


Our Freedom

by obviouslyelementary



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Denial of Feelings, F/F, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Abuse, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, modern!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-11
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-19 18:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 37,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5976460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obviouslyelementary/pseuds/obviouslyelementary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"06:10 am<br/>Get up. Get dressed. Brush teeth.<br/>06:32 am<br/>Make coffee. Pick up newspaper. Read first page.<br/>06:46 am<br/>Coffee ready. Take a sip. Read second page.<br/>06:58 am<br/>Close newspaper. Stand up. Grab coat. Wrap scarf around neck.<br/>07:00 am<br/>Leave house."</p><p>Time is the only friend Hux has. It dictates his life around, and though he feels trapped, he doesn't realise that it's his obsession that is making him wish for freedom. That until Kylo, a new guy in Snoke's company, turns his life around and shows him how to control his life and not let it be controlled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 07:07 am

06:10 am

           

            Get up. Get dressed. Brush teeth.

 

06:32 am

 

            Make coffee. Pick up newspaper. Read first page.

 

06:46 am

 

            Coffee ready. Take a sip. Read second page.

 

06:58 am

 

            Close newspaper. Stand up. Grab coat. Wrap scarf around neck.

 

07:00 am

 

            Leave house.

 

 

            The noise of the city makes his ears tingle. The breeze on his face messes up his hair. His eyes close for a second. He feels the twist in his stomach. His heart beats in time with the heart of the town. The cars in front of him long forgotten. The ground at his feet seems to disappear. He’s flying, for less than a second, and it is enough.

 

           

07:12 am

 

            Wave at the cab. Get inside. Tell the address.

 

07:48 am

 

            Arrive at the building. Pay driver. Get out.

 

07:55 am

 

            Walk inside. Nod at the secretary. Wait by the elevator.

           

           

            “Morning sir” he hears. The feminine, strong voice makes him turn his head. Firm eyes. Collected. He thinks about a reservoir. So much blue, so much water trying to escape and being held. A river that tries and can never move on its original course.

 

            “Morning Phasma” he answers, and his voice is dry, cold, even if inside he feels warm. She seems pleased. Her eyes, her blue, become a bit freer as she turns away and he keeps on watching calmly. He looks calm. He’s a mess.

 

           

08:01 am

 

            Enter elevator. Press the button. Wait.

 

08:03 am

 

            Leave elevator. Walk through hall. Open the door.

 

08:07 am

 

            Remove coat. Turn on computer. Walk out of the room.

 

08:10 am

 

            Wait. Open the door. Sit on the chair.

 

           

            “Good morning Hux” the old man in front of him says, his smile screams malice, the crinkles by his eyes show tiredness, the hands over the table demonstrates impatience, anxiety. He nods.

 

            “Morning sir” he says, carefully, with a bit more warmth than before, his hands still over his lap. Respect. Discipline. Attitude. Safety.

 

            “I don’t want to delay myself. You know our company has been going through rough times lately” Snoke says, looking at the graph on his wall. Gray wall. Imitating paper. A few pictures here and there. Relatives. Pets. Old friends. Awards. Certificates. A gun.

 

            “Yes sir”

 

            “I was thinking about hiring someone, a partner, for you. You are the most loyal employee I have. I own the success of this company to you. But there are some parts of your job that you don’t do very well. And I need more than you are giving” he says, coldly, turning back to stare at him. A shiver goes down his spine. He doesn’t move. “He will be arriving tomorrow. I am sure you will show him everything he needs to know.”

 

            “Yes I will sir” he answers. Hands cold. Cold as ice. Ice, that floats on the ocean. So free. So far away. He nods one last time. Assurance. He doesn’t let his frustration show. His hands twitch as he leaves the room.

 

 

08:26 am

 

            Stand up. Walk out. Close the door.

 

08:30 am

 

            Sit down. Ask for coffee. Work.

           

12:47 pm

 

            Stand up. Walk out. Wait by the elevator.

 

12:48 pm

 

            Walk in. Press button. Wait.

 

12:51 pm

 

            Walk out. Go to the cafeteria. Grab a coffee and a sandwich.

 

12:58 pm

 

            Sit outside. Look around. Take a bite.

 

 

            The breeze hit his face once more, just like in the morning. His hair moves a bit, getting slightly out of place, and he can’t help but wave it away when a red line interrupts his vision. The trees around the building remind him of a forest, a quiet one, surrounded by fire and noise and gray. The sky is blue. The parts he can see at least. And the rest is just as gray as the city.

 

            He feels in peace for a moment. And then reality pulls him back to earth and he looks up when someone stops in front of him.

 

            “Can I sit here?”  
  


            “Yes. Be my guest Phasma”

 

            They don’t talk. Her presence is relaxing. Just like being with a friend. But then again, what aside time is a friend?

 

 

01:37 pm

 

            Finish lunch. Stand up. Throw away the trash.

 

01:55 pm

 

            Walk inside office. Sit down. Work.

 

06:23 pm

 

            Turn off computer. Walk out of the room. Lock the door.

 

06:28 pm

 

            Walk inside. Sit down. Wait.

 

           

            “I want you to be here early. You will show the building to the new guy” Snoke says, and he nods. Simple. Easy. Reliable. “I’m counting on you Hux. I can’t afford having bad results again”

 

            Another nod. A painful one.

 

 

06:57 pm

 

            Walk out of the building. Wave at the cab. Get in.

 

07:38 pm

 

            Pay driver. Get out. Open the door.

 

07:46 pm

 

            Remove clothes. Get in the bathroom. Turn the shower on.

 

 

            The water hits his skin, warm in contact with cold, solid against liquid, soul against body. His hair sticks to his face in an unpleasant way, the air makes his body shiver. His hands wonder up and down as he studies himself again, making sure everything was in place, intact, perfect. He was perfect. He was supposed to be perfect.

 

            The warmth made him travel again. The most peaceful moment in his entire day. He went to the beach, feeling the water at his feet. He went to the forest, feeling the moisture on his skin. To the desert, when the warmth was too much.

 

            He opens his eyes. The tiles in front of him bring him back like a fall. He steadies himself and turns around, grabbing the shampoo and washing his hair, then his body. He doesn’t leave anymore.

 

 

08:04 pm

 

            Get out from the shower. Grab the towel. Get dry.

 

08:09 pm

 

            Get dressed. Pick up the phone. Ask for pizza.

 

08:14 pm

 

            Sit down. Turn on TV. Pick up his cellphone.

 

08:16 pm

 

            Update Facebook. Update Twitter. Update Instagram.

 

08:37 pm

 

            Open the door. Pay the boy. Get the pizza.

 

08:42 pm

 

            Sit down. Eat the pizza. Clean the plates.

 

09:15 pm

 

            Lay on bed. Check cellphone. Read book.

 

10:45 pm

 

            Close book. Turn lights off. Check cellphone.

 

11:59 pm

 

            Sleep.

 

 

 

05:10 am

 

           

            Get up. Get dressed. Brush teeth.

 

05:32 am

 

            Make coffee. Pick up newspaper. Read third page.

 

05:46 am

 

            Coffee ready. Take a sip. Read fourth page.

 

05:58 am

 

            Close newspaper. Stand up. Grab coat. Wrap scarf around neck.

 

06:00 am

 

            Leave house.

 

 

            The air is colder. It hits his face, makes him shiver. His arms are tighter against his sides. He feels that twist in his stomach. It’s not like the ones before. He feels insecure. He shouldn’t. He has nothing to lose.

 

            His hair is a mess. His heart beats faster than the one of the town. He’s not in rhythm with the city. He closes his eyes, feels the ground under his feet. He waits. There. Slow, but firm, passionate, confusing. It is a mess. A mess he can deal with. He opens his eyes. Back to the real world.

 

            He doesn’t fly. It’s not enough.

 

 

06:12 am

 

            Wave at the cab. Get inside. Tell the address.

 

06:48 am

 

            Arrive at the building. Pay driver. Get out.

 

06:55 am

 

            Walk inside. Wait by the elevator.

 

07:01 am

 

            Enter elevator. Press the button. Wait.

 

07:04 am

 

            Leave elevator. Walk through hall.

 

07:07 am

 

            Wait. Open the door. Sit on the chair.

 

 

            “Good morning, Hux” Snoke says, same tone as every day. Maybe a little more excited. There is no one else in the room. Hux nods. “I know you must be thrilling to meet your new partner. He will arrive anytime now. As I said yesterday, I want you to respect him and treat him as an equal. Your job depends on it” he reminds, and Hux feels like he had enough of that conversation already.

 

            The grey of the room looks even greyer today, just like his temper. He feels empty, even a little scared. After all, this is all he has known his entire life. He can’t afford losing it for some new guy that thinks he’s better than Hux at his job.

 

            The door opens a few minutes later. Enter his new rival. And the man is...

 

            Utterly unpleasant.

 

            Hux had never seen someone so... Dark... in his life. Everything about the man screamed black. His black, long, messy hair going everywhere around his large head, dark brown eyes, harsh expression that seemed to make his already big nose even bigger in a non proportional way that almost made Hux cringe. Even his clothes, like the black scarf he wore over a black shirt that was neatly falling over his black skinny jeans and that stopped right over his black shoes.

 

            Hux could almost see the black aura surrounding the man as he sat right next to him.

 

            “Welcome, Kylo Ren, to your new job. This is your partner, Andrew Hux” Snoke says, smirking at both men as if he knows something they don’t. Hux doesn’t like that expression. He doesn’t comment on it.

 

            Hux looks at Kylo, who looks back at him and eyes him up and down. Hux feels uncomfortable. The man surely acts like he is someone superior to Hux for some unknown reason. Hux is not impressed whatsoever. This isn’t unusual.

 

            “Hello, Andrew Hux. It’s a pleasure to meet you” Kylo says, and Hux nods. He doesn’t want to. “I am sure we will work perfectly together. But please, if you may, address me as Ren and only Ren.”

 

            “It is a pleasure to meet you too, Ren” Hux says. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. “Please, address me as Hux. Thank you” he adds, before turning back to Snoke. Both man are quiet. They wait for their orders.

 

            “Now that you two met, you are free to go and show Ren the building” he tells Hux, and with a nod he stands up. Ren follows. “Start working at your usual hour, Hux. Now go.”

 

            Hux bows to the man before walking out of the room. Ren follows. Hux closes the door and turns to the man. “Come with me”

 

 

07:19 am

 

            Leave the room. Walk through hall. Show the waiting room.

 

07:23 am

 

            Walk through hall. Pres-

 

 

            “Hux”

 

            Hux stops. He turns around and looks at the man. Ren has stopped in front of a painting on the wall. Hux doesn’t roll his eyes. He wants to.

 

            “Yes, Ren?”

 

            “How long have you been working here?” he asks, and Hux surely isn’t expecting that question. His eyebrow rises suspiciously before he approaches the taller man.

 

            “For as long as I remember” he answers, not wanting to make this too personal. After all, he has known the man for minutes now. Ren nods and turns to him, and something inside Hux makes him want to run away from that man. He doesn’t. He turns around and continues walking.

 

 

07:27 am

 

            Walk through hall. Present the offices. Open his own.

 

07:36 am

 

            Show Ren’s office. Wait outside. Walk away.

 

07:45 am

 

            Walk to the coffee break room. Make some coffee. Offer coffee.

 

07:58 am

 

            Walk away. Go to office. Sit down. Start working.

 

12:30 pm

 

            Ignore knock on the door. Keep working.

 

06:29 pm

 

            Stand up. Turn computer off. Walk out of the office.

 

 

            “Hux”

 

            Not him again.

 

            “Yes, Ren?”

 

            “You didn’t come to lunch today. Why is that? Were you unhappy with my presence?” Ren asks, and Hux turns to him while eyeing him up and down. He seems a bit less dark than in the morning. Hux just shrugs.

 

            “I didn’t feel like eating lunch today. Had a lot of work to do. That’s it” he says, hoping the man would drop the subject. He does, but that doesn’t help Hux at all.

 

            “Okay. Well anyway. I know we started with the wrong foot today. I was really cold with you earlier.” Ren says, and Hux doesn’t like where this is going. “I was talking to some people during lunch break and decided to make a small party to meet everyone in a non professional location. I was wondering if you could come. It will be in a bar not far away from here” he explains. Hux surely doesn’t like this idea.

 

            “I will see what I can do. I won’t confirm my presence” he says, and Ren seems pleased with his answer, even if he doesn’t smile once.

 

            “Good. I’ll tell Phasma to send you the address if you’re interested in coming” Ren says, before he walks away to the elevator, together with a few other employees.

 

            Phasma approaches Hux and stays by his side as they watch the elevator doors closing. She sighs, and somehow Hux feels her pain towards him.

 

            “He is a nice guy. He’s just... very closed up. Just like someone I know” she says.

 

            Hux knows and hates what she means.

 

            He leaves with no words.

 

 

06:43 pm

 

            Walk to the elevator. Wait. Get in. Wait.

 

06:51 pm

 

            Walk to the street. Wave at the cab. Get in.

 

07:38 pm

 

            Arrive home. Pay driver. Get inside.

 

 

            Hux isn’t even inside when his phone rings with a message. He checks it. The address of the bar. He thinks for a second before throwing the phone on the couch and walking inside.

 

            He’s not going.

 

 

07:47 pm

 

            Walk to the bathroom. Undress. Take a shower.

 

08:02 pm

 

            Walk out of the shower. Get dry. Dress up.

 

08:18 pm

 

            Make dinner. Turn on TV. Watch and eat.

 

08:40 pm

 

            Clean plates. Lay on the couch. Watch TV.

 

09:12 pm

 

            Fall asleep on the couch.

 

 

 

05:19 am

 

            Wake up. Look around. Stand up.

 

05:25 am

 

            Make breakfast. Eat breakfast. Clean plates.

 

05:47 am

 

            **Freedom.**

Saturday. Finally Saturday. Hux lets himself smile as he walks out of his kitchen to his living room. He throws everything away, pushes the couch and table and TV out of the way, and pulls from behind his bookcase his canvas. His brushes and paints are hidden in the last drawer of the cabinet. He picks them and walks back to the living room.

 

            Hux closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, before opening them and letting his hands go free.

 

            His entire body moves around. He puts his brushes next to him and slides them over the canvas to create colorful images. Lines and splashes and dots everywhere. Red and orange and yellow mixing with blue and green and purple. It’s a mess, but it is his mess, and the only mess he’s allowed to have.

 

            After letting everything out, he puts that canvas to dry and picks up another one. He is more careful this time. His strokes are light and slow, but firm and sure. The lines slowly take form, and a face is surely seen. He has never used so much black paint in his life. He makes the details and the background in a grey tone that seems even worse than the black. And the only light of the painting can be seen on the dark brown eyes of the face.

 

            When it’s done, he steps back and stares at it calmly. He doesn’t understand why he painted Ren. He just did. He’s proud of it.

 

            He continues, painting beaches and mountains and cities. Everything colorful, big, messy. He loves it. He feels his heart beating so fast in his chest he might even have a heart attack. He wouldn’t care.

 

            Hux loses himself in time. He sees the sun rising and falling; night turns to day and turns to night again. He feels full, complete, for those fast hours, letting himself live and travel through the different places he paints. Somehow, he feels alive.

 

            He can live through another week. Even if he lives only for those fast hours that go by like a blur.

 

 

09:56 pm

 

            Organize room. Take shower. Make dinner.

 

10:46 pm

 

            Eat dinner. Lay on bed. Read book.

 

00:04 am

 

            Sleep.


	2. Eight o'clock party time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'He tries to be direct.
> 
> “You’re in my personal space” he whispers, their chests almost touching. His hand still trembles as he holds his glass. His eyes never leave Ren’s. “Step back”
> 
> It doesn’t work.
> 
> “I know I am” Ren mutters, and with another step, their chests are touching. The counter hurts Hux’s back. His heart races. He needs to look down, make sure what time it is. It calms him. It always does.
> 
>  
> 
> 08:58 pm
> 
> Look down. Check close. Place glass on the table.'

08:37 am

Interrupt work. Look up. Ren.

 

“Hux. Good morning” Ren says, walking inside his office like it what his own. Hux hates him. He doesn’t comment on it. It has been four months since that man has started working on the company and every day, he makes Hux’s life a little bit more difficult.

They have evolved into a ‘hateful respect’ relationship, where neither of them can stand be in each other’s presence but every time they are obliged to be together, they respect each other mutually. Which is great and terrible for Hux.

He thought he had showed enough to Ren that he wasn’t interested to evolve their relationship to partners or even friends. He had rejected every single invitation to anywhere Ren would be in for the last four months and even so, the man insisted in coming to his office asking to ‘meet him in a bar with his friends’ or even ‘grab a coffee sometimes’ and Hux finds it hard to say if the man wants to befriend him or date him but he isn’t interested in either. He has better things to do.

“Good morning Ren.” Hux says firmly, looking back at his computer. Work. That’s what he needs to do. Not pay attention to that man that just sat on the chair in front of his desk.

“I am making another party, in which I really hope you come because Snoke will be there and so will a few of our clients and I need your help to convince them to stay with us. Also, I’m inviting a few potential clients and you’re better than I am in convincing people. So you need to come” he says, and Hux swears he could jump off the window at the moment. 

“I am not interested” Hux says easily, not even looking at the man. Ren sighs deeply and smashes his hand down on Hux’s table. He stops, slowly, and looks up at the angry man in front of him. He seems to calm down when Hux looks at him.

“Look at me at least, when you’re going to reject my propose” he says, before crossing his arms and smirking. That can’t be good. “You don’t have to go. But since Snoke will be there, I’ll make sure he knows how unprofessional you are. And surely your job will be out of the window in less than a week”

Sure. Ren looks like the guy that would blackmail someone to have what he wanted.

Fine.

“Fine. I will go”

Ren surely feels victorious. He throws the address in a paper to Hux and leaves the office.

The party is at that same night.

Hux hates Ren so much.

 

07:23 pm

Arrive home. Take a shower. Get ready for party.

08:34 pm

Leave to party.

09:12 pm

Arrive at the party.

 

Hux is sure that’s not a professional party as soon as he arrives. It’s a mansion, with people inside and out, dancing to extremely loud music, drinking from those ridiculous red cups and rubbing themselves against each other. He recognizes a few of his co-workers and feels uncomfortable. That is, until he sees Ren walking to where he froze on the garden, smirking widely and bringing Hux his own cup probably.

“You. Came. I can’t believe my eyes” Ren says, and Hux just wants to punch him so hard he won’t even be able to have fun at the party. “Don’t worry. I know it looks like a usual party but the clients are inside, drinking and having fun. You can follow me.”

Hux does, going through the crowd and hating it. He hates parties. He hates Kylo Ren. He hates Kylo Ren’s parties.

Everything is a mess inside. He can see a group of people dressed really well and guesses those are the clients. He’s right, as Ren takes him to the group and gives him his cup. They all compliment him and they start talking. Good. Hux can do that.

For the time they speak, Hux is able to get two more clients and keep the old ones with the new technology they were projecting. Then, they start getting too tipsy to actually remember a word of what Hux was saying. So, he leaves them drinking and laughing and walks to the bar, asking for some soda. He doesn’t want to get drunk tonight. He wants to leave.

And then, comes that weird, clumsy man that Hux is obliged to call partner.

“HUX! You’re on the bar hun? Decided to have some fun?” Ren asks, and clearly he has been drinking a bit too much. He leans against the wooden counter and Hux wants to shove him away. It is his personal bubble after all. Ren is entering it. 

“No. I am drinking some soda and then I’m leaving. I have no other reason to be here” he says, just as his glass arrives. Ren frowns, not pleased, and shakes his head.

“You can’t just leave yet. You haven’t done anything! You haven’t kissed anyone, or drunk anything, or even danced! This is a party!” he says, almost whining, and Hux rolls his eyes as he sips on his drink.

“I don’t desire to do either of those options. Now, if you will let me, I need to go” he says, putting his glass down and walking past Kylo. He walks through the crowd inside the house and soon gets outside.

 

11:23 pm

Put glass down. Walk through the crowd. Get outside.

11:34 pm

Walk through the c-

 

“Wait!” someone yells as they grab his wrist. Hux turns. Ren. Again. Why can’t he just leave him alone? “You can’t go yet!”

“Why not?” Hux asks, coldly, raising an eyebrow to Ren and watching as he tries to find an excuse.

“Because... Because... You haven’t seen Snoke yet!” he says, and its almost convincing, but Hux has already spoken to the man. Ren’s excuses are starting to come off as ridiculous.

“Yes I have” he says coldly, but Ren doesn’t let go of his arm.

“You need to taste some drinks!”

“Not interested”

“What about some food? We have some great canapés”

“No thank you”

“Don’t you want to taste the cake? It’s amazing!”

“I don’t like cake”

“Ah fuck.... Um... Dance with me!” Ren says, loudly because of the song, and Hux stares at him for a moment, thinking the man has gone mad.

He just drank a bit too much.

“Dream about that Ren” Hux says, before pulling his arm away and walking off. He needs a cab. He needs to leave on that instant.

He hates Kylo Ren’s parties.

 

11:56 pm

Wave at cab. Get inside. Leave party.

00:43 am

Arrive home. Pay driver. Get inside. Sleep.

03:23 am

Wake up. Look around. Grab phone.

 

“Hello?” Hux mumbles, tiredly, rubbing the sleep off his eyes just as he hears some loud noises coming from his phone. He’s sure someone is calling him from a party. Great. It takes a few seconds for the person on the other side of the phone say something.

“HUX?!” he hears. At least it’s not Ren. It’s Phasma. She sounds drunk and... upset. For some reason that Hux surely isn’t interested. “Hux! C-come back h-here at this ins... instant!” she says loudly, and Hux rolls his eyes. 

“No Phasma. I was already asleep. You woke me up” he says, annoyed, and sighs deeply when the woman sobs far away in the distance. Then, someone else starts talking.

“Hux! Come back! You’re missing the party!” he hears. He thinks it’s Jeff, another one of the employees, and Hux doesn’t answer. “All girls are going crazy! So are we! This is the best party I’ve ever been on! Phasma kissed two girls and got herself a date, and Ren is punching another guy! I think it is that Finn guy that once worked for us! It’s amazing! Hux! Hux?”

Hux doesn’t answer. He is almost asleep again. He reaches down for his phone and presses a button and soon, the sound is not there anymore. He turns it off, falling asleep in less than three minutes.

He’s too tired for that bullshit.

 

12:45 pm

Grab lunch. Sit outside. Eat.

 

“Hey Hux?” he hears, and he doesn’t even turn to see who it is. He already knows.

“Yes Phasma?” he asks. She sits down next to him and starts eating her lunch too while looking at him. He feels her glance but doesn’t look back. He’s too focused on a small colorful butterfly that is flying around a tree right in front of them.

“So... Can I crash at yours tonight? Just so we can talk, maybe watch some movies? Like old times?” she asks, almost reluctantly, and he wonders if something went wrong at her own house. That’s the only reason she would ask to come to his. He can’t deny such harmless request.

“Of course. Meet me here at seven o’clock so we can go together” he says, and sends her the best smile he can, attention drifting from the butterfly. The smile probably isn’t convincing. She doesn’t smile back.

One more way of life showing him that he was not meant for emotions. It crushes down on him like a brick. He wants to run. He doesn’t.

 

07:00 pm

Stop at the bench. Wait for Phasma. Wave at cab.

 

They meet at the time he had programmed. The two get inside the cab with no words, and spend the entire way back at Hux’s completely silent. They are not up for small talk, neither one of them, and that gives Hux a sick feeling in his stomach. She’s there to talk about something she finds serious. That can be good.

 

07:45 pm

Arrive home. Pay driver. Get inside. Lock the door.

 

The two of them get inside and Hux goes right to his kitchen. He doesn’t question or wait for her to ask, he just serves two glasses of wine and gives one of the glasses to her. She nods as a thank you and sits on his couch. He sits next to her and turns on the TV just so they won’t stand there on that awkward silence. She hasn’t come to his house for what feels like (and probably were) years.

“Your house looks the same” she says, and she sounds disappointed. “Exactly like it was when I first came here”

“Yes. I don’t have much time for decorations” he says. He looks around. Everything is in place. His walls are all painted in a cream color, all his furniture is the same kind of wood, his couch is a dark green that matches basically every other detail in the room. Even his bed sheets are the same green. He bought them in the same store ten years ago. His TV is the same too. His glasses are the same, his carpet, his lamps, everything. Always the same.

He’s glad.

“Well, you could take a weekend off to change things a bit here” she says, surely not meaning any harm. He still feels offended.

“Yes sure”

They stay quiet for a while. Hux sips on his wine and so does Phasma, both watching the TV show that is currently on. Something about food. He doesn’t really care. Phasma suddenly sighs. He knows something is coming.

“So. What do you think about the new guy, Ren? He seems to like you” she says, casually, but there’s nothing casual about her question. Hux shrugs, rolling his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about it.

“The guy is a pain in the ass, that’s what I think. I don’t care if he likes me or not. I don’t like him, that’s for sure” he says, coldly, and Phasma frowns right next to him.

“You should give him a chance. He’s not that bad” she says, and Hux rolls his eyes again. He’s not up for that conversation at the moment.

“Phasma. I’ll give a chance to whom I want to give a chance. Kylo Ren is not one of those people” he says, expecting her to drop the subject. She doesn’t.

“Then who is? I don’t see you accepting anyone’s approaches to become your friend. You just push everyone away. And with Ren is even worse because you treat him like he doesn’t deserve your respect at all, even if he’s in the same rank as you” she says, clearly distressed, but Hux couldn’t care less.

“I am my normal self with everyone. They don’t try different approaches. And Kylo Ren is basically my enemy. I can’t befriend with a guy that is basically stealing my job” he says, almost angrily, especially because those are not true. He just doesn’t like having friends. No one understands, so he doesn’t comment on it. Phasma rolls her eyes.

“To me, it just sounds like you love being lonely and miserable. It’s not good for you Hux! Humans need to socialize. Some more than others, sure, but you’ve been living alone for ten years now, never invites anyone over, almost never goes to parties, and probably haven’t slept with anyone for months! That is not healthy! Even for you!” she says, and he honestly wants her to leave his house now.

“What are you suggesting? That I need a girlfriend? A boyfriend? That I need love in my life? Not everybody needs love Phasma” Hux says, now really pissed off, but tries not to show. After all, she is the closest thing he has of a friend. She sighs.

“I’m not saying you need love Hux. I’m saying you need friends. Everybody needs friends. Even if you isolate yourself from society in a mountain, you are still going to be friends with the grass and the rocks and the animals that live surrounding you because that’s what humans need. Friendship. And you don’t have that. You don’t have friends and you live completely alone. That’s not healthy for you” she says, and he can see that she’s honestly worried about him. He wants to yell to her that he’s fine. But he’s not. “Well... It doesn’t matter. I didn’t come here only to rub the truth in your face. I came here to ask you to come to my party this Friday.”

Hux rolls his eyes. A party. Great.

“What kind of party?”

“I want to present my girlfriend to my closest friends and she wants to do the same. So I want you to come” Phasma answers, smirking and drinking the rest of the wine in her glass.

“Who is coming to the party?”

“A few of her friends, a few of my friends, and you” 

“What friends?”

“Co-workers. Friends from the gym” she says, but she knows what he means. A look at his face and she smirks. He wants to kill her. “Kylo Ren will be there. I invited him” she adds, and Hux sighs.

“I don’t want to go if Ren will be there” he says simply, turning away from Phasma as he sips again on the wine. “I don’t want to go at all. But since he’s coming, my chances of going are even lower than usual”

“Hux please” she says, and Hux almost hears the desperation in her voice. “I wnat you to come. You’re one of my dearest friends. You don’t have to stay much. Just enough to say hi and maybe have a few laughs” she suggests, and Hux feels a bit more relaxed. Maybe he can even appear for a while at the party.

“Okay. I’ll go. For an hour and an hour only” he says, firmly, and she seems pleased with his answer. He’s relieved. He doesn’t want to keep discussing about things that surely won’t lead them anywhere.

“An hour is great. I need to go back to my house now, but I’ll see you this Friday then” she says, handing him a paper, and he does have a need to rip it and throw it away, but he knows he can’t. She’s the closest of a friend he has. He needs to at least have her around.

 

09:26 pm

Pick glasses. Take Phasma to door. Wait for cab.

09:47 pm

Watch her leave. Get inside. Change. Sleep.

 

08:00 pm 

Walk out of the cab. Look around. Walk to pub.  
Hux already hates all the situation before it even starts. He walks inside the small pub, soon seeing Phasma and other three people he didn’t know, waiting by the bar. He sighs and prepares himself to go in and have the ‘time of his life’. He won’t, he knows, but he needs to keep his head high. At least he knows (and so does Phasma) that he won’t stay more than one hour. He just needs to hold on for sixty minutes and he will be free of that nightmare.

He approaches the small group and says hello to everyone, while Phasma smiles and fixes a strand of hair that fell over her face. Her arm is wrapped around the small girl’s waist and the two are too close for Hux’s liking. They are dating. That’s obvious. He looks at the other two men next to them and watches as they also look too close for Hux’s comfort. Of course. Another couple.

“Hux! I’m glad you came” Phasma says happily, tugging the small girl a bit closer, and the two giggle softly. Hux hates that sound for some reason.

“You are Hux then?” the small girl says, moving away from Phasma and coming to his direction. He holds himself not to back away. “My name is Rey. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Phasma’s girlfriend. She has told me a lot about you”

That girl speaks too much too fast.

“My name is Hux, yes” he says lightly, raising his arm to shake her hand. She does the same, and Hux is slightly more pleased. “I’m glad to meet you. Phasma hasn’t told me a lot, but I am sure I will love to know more about you and about your relationship”

Lies. So much lies.

Rey seems pleased and nods before returning to Phasma’s side. Then, Hux walks to the two men next to them. He recognizes one of them and his eyebrows furrow.

“Old boss” the one he recognizes says, smiling wide and walking to Hux. He pulls him into a hug and Hux feels like vomiting. He doesn’t hug back. “It’s so nice to see you here! I didn’t know you were still Phasma’s friend. I’m glad you came though! I’m Rey’s friend, and this is Poe, my boyfriend” he says, pulling away and showing his boyfriend to Hux like he is a big prize. Hux nods.

“It is great to see you too Finn. And a pleasure to meet you Poe” he says, the smile fake in his face. He shakes Poe’s hand and the man stares at him with another fake smile. Obviously he doesn’t like Hux at all. Hux is not complaining. He turns back to Phasma. “Is Ren still coming? And where is the rest of the people?”

“Yes he is coming. And it’s only us six” she says, smirking. Bitch. “Oh. I didn’t tell you?”

“I must have forgotten” he mutters, angrily, and turns to the counter. He asks a drink with enough alcohol to make him dizzy just from it. If he’s lucky, Ren will only arrive after nine, when he will leave. That’s what he hopes. He doesn’t want to be alone with Ren while Phasma makes out with her girlfriend and the two men go dance. He’s not up for that at the moment.

The first half an hour is good. The five spend it drinking and making small talk, in which Hux doesn’t participate much. It’s entertaining enough to watch as they slowly start to talk a bit slurred because of the alcohol in their systems. But then, then he comes. Hux’s worst nightmare.

And he seems already drunk.

 

08:32 pm

Put glass down. Look up. Ren.

 

“Phasma! Sorry I’m late! I had to be ready for fuuuuuun!” Ren says loudly as he arrives, rushing to Phasma and hugging her tight. His cheeks and ears are red. He is speaking too loud. His body moves awkwardly. He’s sure drunk. But then again, so is Hux at this point. 

Ren’s eyes look extremely pretty in party lights.

“Ren! Finally!” Phasma laughs out, hugging him back for no more than a second before pulling away. She pulls Rey gently closer, and smiles down at the petite girl. “This is Ren” she says, and the girl nods, walking forward and giggling as she shakes Ren’s hand.

They check each other out.

Hux doesn’t know why he pays attention to that.

“You’re a lucky girl Phasma” Ren says, smirking and letting from Rey’s hand. The older woman nods and wraps her arm around her girlfriend’s waist, pulling her closer. Ren says hello to Finn and Poe next, and Hux has a feeling him and Poe have a story by the way they look at each other.

He doesn’t want to know.

Only then Ren comes to him, the smirk still on his face, and he also checks Hux out. Hux makes the same, because it’s only fair.

Ren has a bit more color in his body that day. His coat is dark blue, the shirt under it is black, his pants too, and his scarf is dark green. Hux looks up to Ren’s face again and his hair is loose, shining, smooth. His eyes shine, bright, reflecting the light of the party.

“Hux. You really came, didn’t you?” Ren asks, his voice deep, the smirk never leaving his lips. Hux gives him a simple nod, leaning against the counter and drinking another sip of his drink. So typical. “I’m glad. You need to have a bit more of fun”

“I have fun in different ways Ren” he says, smirking and watching him closely. Hux tries to step back when Ren comes closer. He can’t. His heart starts racing. He doesn’t let it show.

“Why don’t you tell me those ways? Maybe I can find something we can do together” he says, and Hux feels cornered like an animal. Ren keeps coming closer and he doesn’t have anywhere to move. His hand starts to tremble as he holds the glass. He doesn’t let it show.

“I doubt it. I like painting” he says, his voice is still strong. He steals a glance to Ren’s lips. His heart beats faster. He tries to understand why he just did that. “We can’t paint together. And even if we could, I would never let you touch my paints and canvas”

“I can be your muse” Ren whispers this time, because he’s close enough to whisper and be heard even with the loud songs playing. Hux wants to disappear. He’s too drunk for that. “I can be your canvas”

He tries to be direct.

“You’re in my personal space” he whispers, their chests almost touching. His hand still trembles as he holds his glass. His eyes never leave Ren’s. “Step back”

It doesn’t work.

“I know I am” Ren mutters, and with another step, their chests are touching. The counter hurts Hux’s back. His heart races. He needs to look down, make sure what time it is. It calms him. It always does.

 

08:58 pm

Look down. Check close. Place glass on the table.

 

“One hour goes by so fast when you’re having fun” Hux mutters to himself, his glass already on the counter. He doesn’t hesitate when he puts his arm over his chest and pushes Ren away, walking past him and fixing his coat. He walks to Phasma and Rey and smiles as apologetic as he can.

Not like he cares.

“Is it already time?” Phasma asks sadly, knowing the look on his face. He nods, for good measure, and says his goodbyes. He shakes Rey’s hand and Phasma’s and waves to the two men that are dancing close by. They wave back, and then return to their dancing.

Hux is so glad.

 

09:04 pm

Say goodbye. Turn around. Walk to the d-

 

“Where are you going?!” he hears someone complain, and his wrist is being held by strong, big hands. Hux turns around, rolling his eyes. He knows it’s Ren.

He was right.

“I am leaving. I told Phasma I would stay for an hour. The time is over” he explains, but Ren doesn’t see pleased. He pulls Hux in his direction in such a violent way that Hux wants to growl at him. “What?!”

“You’re not going. You didn’t have fun yet. I’m not letting you leave!” he says loudly, and Hux rolls his eyes again before pulling his arm away from Ren’s grip. He’s not up for that bullshit.

“I don’t have to have fun. I don’t want to have fun. You don’t own me. You can’t stop me from leaving!” he says angrily, his hands curling into fists. Ren watches him and smirks at his reaction. He hates that smirk.

“Oh? I can’t? But what if I try? You’re going to punch me? You? Small, weak, useless Hux?” Ren asks, tilting his head that annoying way he always does. Hux’s blood boils. “You can’t even work right and you think you will be able to stop me from holding you here?”

That is it.

His fist connects with Ren’s face in a way that is pretty painful for both of them. Hux is sure his knuckles are already bleeding by how hot they feel and how Ren gives three clumsy steps back to balance himself. When he looks up at Hux, he feels a shiver going down his spine. His brown eyes are on fire. Ren runs to Hux and the punch he sends is enough to make him fall on the floor, gasping loudly. Hux holds his face and growls deeply before he stands up again and punches Ren on the nose.

A loud groan. Another punch against his jaw. Hux moves back. He pushes Ren onto the wall and punches his stomach. Ren grabs him by the collar and knees his belly. Hux feels the metal taste in his mouth. Everything is too quiet and too low. Only Ren is on focus. Everything else is blurred.

And then someone pulls them apart and he feels arms around his chest. He pushes them away when everything gets in focus again, and he sees Ren being held by that Poe guy. Hux looks back and sees Phasma holding him still, shaking her head.

“You two will stop this right now” she says angrily, and Hux rolls his eyes. His nose is bleeding. His mouth is bleeding. His hands are bleeding. He hates blood so much. “There. Enough.”

He wants to die right at that moment.

With a last glance to Ren, he pulls away from Phasma’s grip and walks to the street, not being stopped this time. He soon calls a cab and gets inside, rubbing his nose and doing all he can to stop the blood sliding down his cheeks and chin.

He can only hope that Ren is just as bad as he is.

 

09:21 pm

Get inside cab. Say the address. Leave.

10:02 pm

Arrive home. Take a shower. Sleep.


	3. Coffee shops and pantings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ren” he calls, and the man looks at him, a smirk still on his face. He seems so pleased with himself. “Remember in that hideous party where you asked me what I liked doing?” he asks, and he waits Ren to shake his head.
> 
> “Yes. You said you liked painting” he answers, as his smirk slowly turns back to his usual stoic face. “And then you punched me in the face. It was awesome”
> 
> There is something in that phrase that Hux feels like he should know, but he doesn’t, so he lets it slide and ignores it completely.
> 
> “Do you want to see them? My paintings?”

08:38 am

Walk out of cab. Pay driver. Walk.

 

It has been four months since that party that ended up in a complete disaster. Hux hasn’t talked much to Ren since that day, always keeping their conversation small and right to the point. They only talk about professional subjects, and every time the conversation starts getting too far ahead from work, Hux stops and walks away. He doesn’t want to be close to Ren after that night.

He doesn’t count how many dreams he had after that party. How many were sexual. How many were romantic. 

He knows he hates Ren. With his entire body.

So Hux almost leaves the coffee shop when he sees Ren inside, asking for some coffee. The day is cold; it’s snowing, close to Christmas, Sunday. Hux just wants to get inside that small place, get his drink and leave. Ren doesn’t see him. That’s a great sign. His week starts well.

Ren walks away from the line and Hux sees that he is walking to a table far away from the others. There is someone there, waiting for him. A date? No... Hux holds back a gasp as he sees Han Solo, ex owner of the biggest company in the industry. Why is Ren talking with their enemies? It makes no sense to him, but Hux can only hope Ren is getting a job somewhere else.

As Hux finally orders his coffee, he hears someone starting to argue in the small place. He turns to see who it is out of curiosity, and finds that Ren and Solo are in an engaging argument about something Hux can’t understand. In the corner of the shop, he sees Finn and Rey, Phasma’s girlfriend and girlfriend’s friend. Weird. He grabs his coffee, sitting on the first empty table he finds and watches the argument from afar. He can’t make out most of the words, but he doesn’t mind. Two of his enemies fighting, its almost like a dream.

Suddenly, Ren stands up, and the room gets tense, warm. The slap that comes to Solo’s face is probably warmer than the room. The yell he hears behind him is warmer than the slap. Suddenly, everything seems very red.

Rey runs to Ren and jumps on his back, looking like she’s trying to suffocate him. Hux chuckles and turns away, knowing that all that fighting wouldn’t end up well. Not after three minutes the manager comes and put the four out, in the cold, while Hux laughs and drinks.

It would really be a great week.

Hux takes his time drinking his coffee, for once not worried about the time he’s leaving. He should be worried, there are thousands of things to be done, but he simply cannot mind them at all. The snow always calms him down.

When he’s done, he leaves the place with the full intention to make up for the lost time, when he sees a very upset, angry looking Kylo Ren sitting on the frozen floor, arms wrapped around his legs, hose pulled up to his chest in a position that almost makes him look like a child. Hux rolls his eyes and tries to ignore it, because it’s not his fault and also none of his business, but when he passes next to Kylo, he hears a sob and stops frozen.

Sometimes, just sometimes, he hates the fact that he’s just like the snow.

He makes a note in his head to just slap himself in the face three thousand times after that was done before he approaches Kylo. Of course he won’t be nice about the ‘charity’ he’s doing, but he’s still doing it and he hates himself for it. He kicks Kylo’s leg lightly, making the man look up at him. He doesn’t even look surprised when he sees Hux. He just lets out a quiet huff and nuzzles back on his arm. Alright then. Hux doesn’t have to help. This is none of his business. He has things to do and people to see and he doesn’t need to simply go around caring about random people that he hates.

And yet, his mouth voices something completely different.

“Ren. Get up. You’ll catch a cold if you stay sitting on the snow”

Like he gives a fuck about Ren catching a cold or not. He doesn’t give a damn. The guy is just another pain in his ass at work and if he couldn’t work, it would just be better to Hux. So why did he just say that? His brain is clearly malfunctioning.

He hasn’t checked his clock since he left the cab and doesn’t even notice. Or has he? Something clicks inside Hux and he feels his heart beating faster. He looks down as quickly as he can.

 

09:57 am

Check clock. Take a deep breath. Relax.

 

He breathes easier after he checks and then looks back at Kylo again. At Sundays, he doesn’t have to go to work, but he usually does because his real free day is Saturday and he doesn’t have anything better to do on Sundays. But something tells him that today, it’s worth to just stare at Kylo Ren instead of doing what he’s used to. He feels uncomfortable, but does as the feeling says. And that’s when Ren finally says something.

“Fuck off Hux”

Okay. Hux does not expect that. Not the words. Those he expects and knows would come out eventually. The problem is how broken (is that the correct word to describe a shaky, weak voice?) it sounds. How Ren looks like he has been crying for a week. Hux doesn’t understand exactly what is going on, and he feels that he doesn’t want to, and suddenly his brain seems to find a terrible way to solve the problem.

“Ren. Stand up. Come stay at my house for today” he says, and he has no idea where that comes from, because it is the worst idea he ever had. It catches Kylo’s attention however, and the man surely is planning something, because he rubs his eyes and stands up with a smirk, as if nothing had happened. 

Even so, Hux can see the sadness in his eyes and decides to stick with that instead.

“Oh. Now you’re giving me a chance?” he says, and Hux understands the meaning behind it. He turns away to walk off, but Kylo’s hand is on his arm and he’s stopped against his will. “Alright sorry sorry. I accept your invitation”

And for some reason, Hux feels a bit more relaxed.

 

10:20 am

Look at the street. Wave at cab. Get inside.

 

Hux watches Kylo as he gets inside the cab after him. Hux tells the address to the driver and then leans back against the seat, mindlessly moving his hand over his clock. He keeps staring ahead, not wanting to cause any discomfort to himself or the man next to him. However, he is bound to turn when he hears Ren cleaning his throat.

“So... How’s your house like?” he asks, and honestly, Hux does not want to answer. Not at all. He is not a person that likes small talks, most importantly with people he hates. He is a very polite person, however, so he does answer.

“Small and boring” he says, because that’s what Phasma and his parents had said. Kylo looks unimpressed and then smirks again, chuckling lightly to himself. Hux hates that noise. He seriously does. He was already regretting the decision he had made.

“Small and boring, I see. Just like you then” he says, and Hux stays still for a second, the words sinking in. Well, that surely wasn’t the way of making anyone want to sleep with you. Which left the question inside Hux’s mind even louder: did Kylo really want to sleep with him?

Hux decides to ignore what was said and simply turn back to star ahead.

 

10:50 am

Look out of the window. Get out of cab. Pay driver. Wait for Ren.

 

“Wow. Your house is indeed very small” Kylo says, smirking and walking up the steps to the door. Hux rolls his eyes before following him, unlocking the door and walking inside. Kylo follows behind, seeming to pay attention to every single detail around the house. There wasn’t much to see, besides the green walls and green furniture and wood floor. He knows it’s boring. Just like him. And small, really small. One kitchen, one living room, one bathroom, one bedroom. That is all he needs.

“Yes. I live alone. I don’t usually bring people here. I don’t need it to be big. As big as it is, the harder it is to clean it” Hux answers, not because he wants to, but because it is the polite thing to do.

And Kylo always had the ability to make Hux want to answer back, like no one had before.

“You look like someone that likes to have their house clean” Kylo says, and little does he know about the mess that is behind Hux’s cabinet. Hux nods and walks to the kitchen, being followed by Kylo while the latter looks around. “It’s a nice house nevertheless. It really works with you”

Well, no one has ever said that before.

“Um... Thank you” Hux mutters, starting to feel nervous from some reason he cannot point out. He looks down to his clock to calm down.

 

11:02 am

Look at the clock. Take a deep breath. Relax.

 

“I would accept a glass of water, if you are going to offer me something at all” Kylo says, chuckling, and once again Hux gets irritated. That sound. God have mercy. He nods and walks to his cabinet, taking out a bottle of wine and serving both of them in very fancy glasses. Kylo seems as confused as Hux himself is. He only serves wine to people he likes. But he doesn’t stop himself, not this time. “That’s... not water, but alright”

“You don’t look like someone who actually wants water. Not after that fight” Hux says, without any hesitation, and he feels Kylo getting tense before the anger comes in. Oh, how he loves to see Ren angry.

“That was nothing” he says, angrily, sitting down on a chair and grabbing his glass. He drinks the wine in less than five seconds and nods for Hux to put more. Hux complies, smirking, and sitting next to Kylo, sipping calmly on his glass. 

“So. How do you know Solo?” he asks, because the only thing he can imagine is that Kylo had worked for Solo’s company before entering Snoke’s. Which isn’t unheard of. Hux himself had thought, in the past, about entering Solo’s company. He didn’t, and now he’s glad. However, he isn’t ready for what comes out of Kylo’s mouth.

“He’s my father” he says, as if he is spitting venom on Hux’s table. The anger, the hate, is clear. Not even Hux has been so angry like that, even though he knows he’s very good at hiding his emotions. “He is a stupid, useless old man that keeps wanting to bring me back to his failed company, in hopes that I will continue his steps. I won’t. The company is clearly failing. There is no reason not to sell it while there’s still time. But he doesn’t want to sell it. This stupid company is just like that old, broken van he calls Millennium Falcon. He named his broken car. He’s so stupid” he groans, drinking the rest of the wine again and serving some more. Hux just shrugs, looking down at his own glass, still almost filled with wine.

“Indeed your father is an idiot” he says, easily, and he expects Kylo to be angry. But the man next to him looks up at him with wide eyes and then nods, almost like a child or a dog that has made the right decision.

“Yes he is! At last someone agrees with me!” he says, loudly, and then laughs, his head falling back. Hux surely has never seen that smile on Ren’s face. He feels an urge to paint, but he holds it back. There aren’t many people who know about his paintings.

But then again, there aren’t many people that come to his house, sit on his chair and drink his wine either.

“Ren” he calls, and the man looks at him, a smirk still on his face. He seems so pleased with himself. “Remember in that hideous party where you asked me what I liked doing?” he asks, and he waits Ren to shake his head.

“Yes. You said you liked painting” he answers, as his smirk slowly turns back to his usual stoic face. “And then you punched me in the face. It was awesome”

There is something in that phrase that Hux feels like he should know, but he doesn’t, so he lets it slide and ignores it completely.

“Do you want to see them? My paintings?”

 

11:16 am

Stare at Ren. Wait for his answer.

11:17am

Open mouth. Cancel questio-

 

“Sure” Kylo says, smiling very lightly, and his eyes seem to shine in something that Hux cannot put his finger on. Hux nods and leaves his glass over the table before getting up and being followed by Kylo to the living room. And then, it starts. He forgets the clock, the time, while he pushes the TV, the couch, the cabinet, and transforms his boring living room in his studio. Then, he removes the canvas already painted on form behind the cabinet and stops in front of Kylo, who is simply staring, confused and amused.

“There are more. But these are the most recent ones” Hux explains, because honestly, showing off six canvas to someone after saying he liked painting sounds ridiculous to Hux’s head. He shows one of the mountains, and Kylo nods, sipping on his wine with a smirk. He shows one of a beach, and Kylo sits down on the pushed away couch, glancing the paintings as if he is deciphering them, as if he is trying to decipher Hux through the paintings.

And Hux realizes that’s something really smart to do.

The last one Hux shows is Kylo himself. He hopes, inside, that the man in front of him won’t realize it’s him, at the same time that he wants Kylo to know. After all, if he paints well, Kylo would see the similarities. 

As soon as Kylo’s eyes fall on the painting, Hux knows he realized. His brown eyes shine brighter, widen a little, his tongue moves over his lip, his hand squeezes the glass a bit tighter, his position changes. He seems pleased, and curious.

“Well... I thought you hated me” he says, chuckling – again – and then gets up, taking the canvas gently from Hux’s hand and watching it closely. Hux watches him, quietly, the other canvas laid on the ground, forgotten for a few minutes. When Kylo stops analyzing the picture, he puts it down and smirks at Hux in the same way that made Hux’s heart go faster a few months ago. His eyes are shining. Hux wants to paint them. “Now I am doubting that”

“You shouldn’t” Hux says, slowly, but Kylo just chuckles and moves closer. Hux knows what he’s going to do. He knows he should move back. He does. Kylo follows. They do a weird dance where Hux steps back and Kylo steps forward until Hux’s back meets the wall, and he’s obliged to stop. Kylo does not stop until their bodies are almost touching, and Hux can feel the heat coming from the man in front of him. Kylo’s brown eyes are so warm, like hot chocolate. “Get away from me”

“You don’t want me to” Kylo says, with so much certainty, that Hux almost punches him again, right there and then. He holds himself back however. It’s not polite to punch someone you invited over. “I can see it in your eyes. You can lie to me, to yourself, but your eyes and your body can’t lie to either of us. Just... let me...” he mumbles, and now he is coming closer, definitely, and Hux feels his heart going wild, beating fast, his breathing getting hard, his hands tremble. He lifts his hand, he needs to know, but Kylo probably sees it as a threat and holds his wrist, pushing it against the wall, his eyes focused on Hux’s. And Hux knows he probably shouldn’t be feeling like that, he’s a grown up man, he knows what he wants and what he doesn’t. He knows what he needs. 

Before they can touch, Hux lifts his other hand and slaps Kylo’s face with no hesitation. That’s when the man lets go of his hand and Hux is able to look down at his clock.

 

11:34 am

Look down at clock. Check time. Breathe. Breathe.

 

“Alright” he hears Kylo saying, and when he looks up, the man is staring away form him, his shoulders tense, firm. He looks angry. He probably is angry. Hux would be too, in his position. “You know, the next time you want to humiliate someone, don’t call them to your house. Actually, don’t call them at all. It has been eight months that I try to get something from you, but nothing I do works. It’s fine really. I’ve received no’s before. But not like this” he says, and Hux knows he probably doesn’t know he’s saying that out loud. Then, Kylo turns around and stares with hot, burning eyes at Hux. “Not like this. Goodbye” he growls, before looking down at the canvas with him painted and kicking it away.

Hux should feel relieved, but he doesn’t. He feels terrible. Worst than when he forgets his clock at his house – even though that never happens anymore. And while Kylo runs off and walks out of Hux’s house, he knows he was done for.

Kylo would talk to Snoke and steal his job. He has the power. Hux would do it if he had the power. But he doesn’t. So he simply watches Kylo walking out and then falls on the ground, leaning against the wall.

Well, that day had surely been terrible. He wasn’t surprised. Hux hated Sundays.

 

11:40 am

Take a deep breath. Close eyes. Sigh.


	4. ??:?? ??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Get away from me” he growls, pushing Kylo’s hands away and walking straight forward to the door, opening it and leaving. He walks through a hallway that surely didn’t seem that big when he first passed by it, and then finally finds the stairs that lead down. He leaves the party as quick as possible without saying any goodbyes, and sits inside the cab with his knees pressed to his chest and his head between his legs.
> 
> He does not cry, but he surely feels like he does.

12:37 pm

Check the clock. Look up.

 

“Come in” Hux says when he hears the knock on his door. He has been working inside his office since six am, and hasn’t stopped for a break. He doesn’t really want to stop. Not even for lunch. He stares at the door while Phasma walks in and then leans against the wall, staring down at him like she wants to talk about something.

He knows exactly what she wants to talk about.

“Come grab lunch with me” she says, and there is no room for a denial in her voice. Hux still feels like denying the invite anyway. He doesn’t, finishing a phrase in his report before standing up and walking with her outside his office. He doesn’t stare at Ren when the three of them stop in front of the elevator. Ren says nothing, and it’s clear that Phasma can feel the uncomfortable feeling surrounding them.

Hux doesn’t regret that slap as much as he regrets it.

The three go inside the elevator before Phasma looks up, her blue eyes wide. He knows what she is going to say. She says she forgot something that she clearly didn’t forget and leaves the elevator, letting the two of them alone. Both stay quiet, staring at their feet.

It feels like hours, and the number on the screen changes so slowly Hux just wants to get out.

 

12:40 pm

Look down. Check time. Close eyes.

 

He’s so tired.

Hux knows he shouldn’t be feeling like that. He shouldn’t be feeling at all. But since that day, a few weeks ago, everything had gone wrong. He got distracted easily, felt the urge to paint not only on Saturdays, and couldn’t take Kylo’s eyes off his head. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw them. Hux couldn’t deal with it anymore. And yet, he knows he won’t do anything. He keeps staring at his feet, wishing the elevator could be faster.

And then, he hears it.

“Phasma convinced me you need a break” Kylo says, and his voice is firm, cold, distant. Unlike any other time they have ever talked. “She convinced me to invite you to my party this Friday. You don’t have to come. I hope you don’t really. But I know she won’t stop annoying me unless I talk to you. So there’s that” he finishes, and Hux nods, because he can’t do anything else.

His throat feels closed, and he doesn’t understand why.

Then, the elevator door opens and Kylo walks off as quickly as possible. Hux follows up slowly, leaning against the wall next to it and waiting for Phasma. He doesn’t want to wait. He wants to go back up and continue working. But she really can be a pain in the ass when she wants, and Hux is not in the mood for her annoying days.

When she gets there, they walk off, grab their lunches and eat silently, not really talking about anything. Hux doesn’t feel like talking. Not today. Not any day soon. 

He hates himself and he doesn’t understand why suddenly he just wants to let it all go and do something crazy.

 

09:15 pm

Walk out of cab. Pay driver. Stare.

Everyone seems surprised when they see him coming inside, even himself. He doesn’t know why he’s here, but he had an urge to appear, and there he was, in Kylo Ren’s party, walking to the bar and asking for something strong.

He remembers the last time he asked for something like that.

Phasma doesn’t take long to come closer to him, sitting on the stall and smirking at him. She seems to know more than he does. He doesn’t like that stare. He doesn’t like anything in that party really. He knows he should go home, but something stops him this time.

Phasma waits for him to get really drunk before start talking about what she really wants to talk.

“You should talk to him” she says, and Hux shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk to Ren. He hates him. But he doesn’t really. He doesn’t know. “You should”

“I shouldn’t. I don’t know why I came” he says honestly, and she smirks, making him angry.

He’s so drunk he doesn’t remember to look down at his clock. He just wants that smirk off her face. 

“I’ll go call him. Wait here” she says, and while he tries to stop her, he’s not very successful. She leaves, and he knows that if he walks out, they won’t be able t find him. He will be able to go home and forget he ever came. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t move. He asks for another drink, and drinks more, and more, and more, until he feels weird and it’s like he’s inside one of his paintings. Everything is colorful and loud and he actually smiles at it all for once.

And then, he sees those beautiful, shiny brown eyes, and he remembers that he’s not having fun. He will never have fun. That’s not how he has fun. He has his paintings and those are all that matters.

“Phasma said you wanted to talk” Ren starts, and he’s also drunk, Hux can tell, but he’s not half as drunk as Hux is. “Though I am already surprised you’re here. And drinking”

There is no light tone in his voice. Kylo is not playing around. He’s far from Hux. It doesn’t seem like he wants to come closer. He’s just standing there, face serious, drink in his hand, as if he’s waiting for Hux to say something. He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to say anything. He shouldn’t want to say anything.

The calm brown becomes annoyed brown. Annoyed brown becomes angry brown.

Hux’s mouth opens before Kylo can step away from him.

“Your parties suck” he says, because he doesn’t want Ren to leave. He also curses himself for saying anything and for not wanting Ren to leave. For once, Ren actually seems to get his hidden meaning, by the way his eyes sparkle, but nothing in his body language changes.

“Why are you here then?” he asks, and Hux knows he wants to finish that phrase, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t because Hux humiliated him and he doesn’t want to be stupid. Hux can relate. He knows how it feels, to be humiliated. 

“You said you didn’t want me here. So I came” he says, because it sounds like the most reasonable reason. He doesn’t know why he’s there, but annoying Kylo seems to be enough. Ren chuckles, and rolls his eyes, and the party lights make his eyes ten times more beautiful.

“Typical” he mutters, and Hux hears it even over the loud music around them. Their conversation ends there. Hux doesn’t know what to say. Kylo doesn’t seem to want to say anything. They sip on their drinks and suddenly, it feels a lot like those weeks ago, when they were in his living room, drinking wine. It takes a minute, but Ren opens his mouth again. “Why do you paint me, if you hate me so much?”

That’s an incredibly good question, and Hux does feel like answering. He’s too drunk not to.

“I don’t hate you” he says, and he regrets it, but then Ren turns to him with his oversized eyes that shine so bright and Hux doesn’t feel like he has made the wrong choice. “I used to, when you first arrived, but I don’t anymore”

“You make it look like you do” he says, something very small in his voice that Hux doesn’t understand, neither tries to. Ren sighs and finishes his drink, looking quite done with their conversation, before turning to Hux. “Well... Enjoy the party”

He makes it to leave. Hux doesn’t know what happens. He lets go from his glass, and it falls on the ground. No one notices. The music is too loud. He steps forward, raises his arms, hands grab Ren’s shirt, and he pulls him down for a harsh, deep kiss.

Hux doesn’t know what he’s doing, but suddenly his body melts and he relaxes, and he feels so warm, specially when he’s answered by the movement of lips and big hands on his slim waist. 

It’s not a sweet kiss. It’s a hard, fast, harsh kiss, filled with tongue and teeth and breaths and desperate tugging, while their bodies collide together like magnets and they simply can’t stop, hands exploring and touching and scratching. He feels like an animal, and he acts like one, because suddenly he’s inside of his paintings and he’s alive and he feels like he’s finally living, all while Kylo presses him against the counter and grinds up to him desperately, like he has waiting for too long and neither can wait.

Hux doesn’t even know what happens then, only that suddenly he’s being lifted and his legs wrap around Ren’s waist and he’s being taken somewhere but he doesn’t care, for once he doesn’t care, he doesn’t think, he just feels. He feels Kylo’s body against his, solid and firm and sure, and he feels the bed under him when he’s laid down, and he feels Kylo all over in ways Hux had never let himself wonder about.

And after everything is done, and they are laying down side by side in the bed, with the party still loud downstairs, Hux feels the weight of everything they did coming down over him and he can’t breathe. He looks down, desperately, and calms down a bit.

 

11:19 pm

Check time.

 

He sighs deeply, and stares at the ceiling, until he feels kisses being left on his arm, shoulder, neck, and it all feels too much. Too soon. He pushes Kylo away with a hand and closes his eyes because he can still feel Kylo all over him and he just can’t not like it.

“What is it?” Ren mutters, his voice soft, and Hux can’t look at him. Not now. He just can’t. Ren moves his hand to touch Hux’s arm and that’s the last thing Hux needs at the moment. He gets up, almost as if Kylo had just pressed a button, and starts to get dressed. “Hux, what the...”

“No, Ren. No” he says, fast, because he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t. He gets up, finishing pulling his pants on, and he feels sticky and gross and he needs a shower, but he doesn’t regret anything and that makes him even angrier. When he is at the door, ready to walk away, hands stop him by holding his waist and he feels a warm and solid body behind his, pressing their bodies together, a nose on his neck, smelling him, lips kissing his skin, and everything inside Hux is begging for him to release, to let go, to stay. His body melts, his heart skips a beat, and he feels so weird, because there is a moan on his throat he doesn’t want to let out.

“Hux... Stay” Kylo whispers, and his voice is so soft and smooth and dark and deep, and now he’s biting Hux’s neck and ear, his hands are moving to Hux’s stomach to pull him even closer to his huge body and Hux feels so small, in a way that doesn’t feel bad like it used to, in a way that makes his heart scream at him to stay a little longer, in a way that makes his body respond to every single touch.

If he stays, there will be no return, and he knows it. 

He just wishes his brain wasn’t such a machine sometimes.

“Get away from me” he growls, pushing Kylo’s hands away and walking straight forward to the door, opening it and leaving. He walks through a hallway that surely didn’t seem that big when he first passed by it, and then finally finds the stairs that lead down. He leaves the party as quick as possible without saying any goodbyes, and sits inside the cab with his knees pressed to his chest and his head between his legs.

He does not cry, but he surely feels like he does.

??:?? ??

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

??:?? ??

Paint.


	5. A Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You said you wanted to be my muse” he whispers, and for some reason that makes Kylo change all his body language. He licks his lips, puts his hands on Hux’s waist, and it burns so good, Hux never wants it to end, honestly. His eyes hold a fire that is hard to identify and Hux doesn’t wait to pull him upstairs inside his house and close the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, to celebrate the fact that I GOT INTO COLLEGE (YES) I decided to post another chapter, so here it is! 
> 
> Leave comments and kudos if you enjoy it! Thanks!

05:12 am

05:13 am

05:14 am

05:15 am

 

“Hux” he hears, and quickly raises his head to the sound. Phasma is there, staring at him, messy hair and angry expression, but her eyes show worry. He really doesn’t know why he called her at four am. He just needed... something. “What happened? You don’t seem fine”

He never said he is.

“Everything happened. Everything that wasn’t supposed to happen happened” he says, and his voice is so shaken that he doesn’t recognize it. He hates it. She stares at him, confused, before it kicks in. She must have seen. And for her expression, she did see it.

“You mean... You and Ren...” she assumes, and Hux nods even though he doesn’t want to. Everything seems to be spinning and he can’t stop feeling what he felt the last night and it kills him inside every time. “Shit... Well... At least you finally did something, right?”

If stares could kill, Phasma would be dead in a second.

“I was drunk. It was a mistake” he says, but it sounds wrong, and he doesn’t know why. His stomach turns again and he feels like throwing up. Maybe he should. He doesn’t know. Phasma doesn’t agree with his statement.

“Hux, why was it a mistake? He is into you since he first saw you, and you are into him. It’s obvious. Just let it happen. For once” she begs, and he closes his eyes. He tries to breathe, but it comes out shaken and harsh and too deep. His hands are trembling. He opens his eyes, and they flicker down.

 

05:26 am

Think. Think. Anything. Think.

 

Hux groans and rubs his face, wanting to rip it off. He wishes he could rip off the feeling of Ren’s hands on him, the feeling of his lips, the warmth inside his body, the smell of his expensive cologne, the feeling of his skin, his tense muscles, his soft hair, the shine of his eyes, the pink of his lips, the sound of his moans.

He came out of Hux’s worst nightmare, and now Hux simply can’t escape. He has to. He needs to go. He needs to leave. He opens his eyes just as Phasma is reaching out for him, and he stops her with a glance.

“I’m going on a trip” he says, and even he doesn’t believe what he just said. Phasma stares at him. “A long one. I need vacations. Now”

“Don’t run away from him, Hux” Phasma warns, and then stands up. She’s leaving, Hux knows, and he doesn’t stop her. He doesn’t want to stop her. “I’m not letting you. For once something good happened in your life and you won’t give it up for fear. You will live it, even if I have to make you live it”

Little does she know that was the only time Hux felt alive in a long time.

She walks out, leaves Hux there, and he just stops. He stares at nothing, tired, and he wants to go back to sleep, but he knows what he will dream with if he does, so he turns and organizes his living room before removing the canvas from behind the cabinet. He wants to paint, but there’s nothing inside him to free besides the agony he feels. He never painted agony.

In the end, agony takes form of a mixture of oranges and greens and brows and blacks and blues. It’s abstract, just colors all around, but Hux knows the meaning behind it and that’s what it matters. He closes his eyes and he can’t relax, not like he used to. His heart screams so loud and his head is so confused and he doesn’t know what to do.

When he sees it, it’s too late. The message is already sent and he feels like throwing up. This time, he does, because he just feels too sick not to. He washes his face, holds the sink and prays that his phone stops working. He could walk away. He could leave his house. But he doesn’t. 

 

07:34 am

Breathe. Breathe.

 

When looking down at the clock makes no effect in his body, he goes for his emergence kit and grabs the package of cigarettes from inside his drawer. He hasn’t smoked it at least five years. It’s a bad habit. He knows. He walks outside and sits on the stairs that lead to his house, lightening a cigarette and smoking slowly, making sure to savor every single drag. 

He hates smoking. He hates himself. He smokes another. And another. And another. It stops feeling so bad after the fifth. His muscles relax and he closes his eyes and he feels a bit more alive, but not even close to what he felt. 

He finishes the package and looks beyond, waiting. Then, he goes to the small store close to his house and buys three more packages. He returns and sits down and starts smoking again, this time calmer, taking his time to light it up, taking his time to smoke it.

 

08:56 am

Drag. Blow. Close eyes.

 

“You sent me a message” he hears, and his eyes open at the voice. He honestly feels surprised. Hux looks up and Ren is staring at him, eyes focused on his face, and he seems angry and surprised at the same time. “You smoke?”

Hux doesn’t answer. Not the question at least. He stands up, dragging, and blows the smoke on Ren’s face, but he keeps his face still, and breathes as if it was all normal air. Hux feels drunk, but he isn’t, and this time he can’t blame on the drinks. He shouldn’t listen to Phasma but he does, and he grabs Ren’s shirt after letting the package in his hand fall on the ground.

“You said you wanted to be my muse” he whispers, and for some reason that makes Kylo change all his body language. He licks his lips, puts his hands on Hux’s waist, and it burns so good, Hux never wants it to end, honestly. His eyes hold a fire that is hard to identify and Hux doesn’t wait to pull him upstairs inside his house and close the door behind him.

Once again, it isn’t Kylo who initiates it. Hux moves forward and presses Kylo against the door, brushing their noses together and Kylo melts against him, following Hux’s lips without making any indication he will take the first move, and Hux gets tired of waiting, just leaning in and biting Kylo’s bottom lip while his hands go down his chest, stomach, and then moves them back to grab Kylo’s ass, making him close his eyes in the process, the man’s large hands just holding Hux close, not making any moves, not yet.

Hux realizes then that this will be a game. He likes the game. He wants to play, even though neither knows the rules or how to play it. He kisses down Kylo’s sharp jaw, his neck, and everything spins in such a good way that even Hux doesn’t understand. Maybe it’s the cigarettes, but he doesn’t really care anymore, not at the current moment. Nothing, no drug, no ink, can compare to the thrill he feels every time he listens a moan coming out of Kylo’s mouth. Hux bites the man’s throat, hard, and sucks it, creating after a while a huge purple mark that will stay for a few days. He feels proud. Kylo still makes no moves, but he melts as if he has been waiting for this for years.

Hux then moves away, because his prior statement was real, and he did not call Kylo over to fuck. Not only for that, anyway. Kylo looks at him as if he’s craving his touch, as if he’s upset that Hux is too far away to just grab and pull back, but he makes no vocal complains. Then, Hux nods to the couch and turns around, walking to his living room and putting a new, clean canvas on the support. Kylo gets the message and slowly walks to the couch, sitting down and staring at Hux as if he’s waiting an order.

Hux never thought he would see Kylo waiting for anyone.

“Clothes off” Hux says, firmly, not staring at Kylo, his voice firm. He pretends to be professional. He’s not. He listens Kylo moving and when he turns around, brushes and ink ready, he takes his time to star at the naked man in front of him, sitting on the couch, blushing, staring at Hux with his sparkling brown eyes. Hux holds back a smirk and fixes himself. “Get comfortable”

And Kylo does as he’s asked. He moves slowly, biting his lip and covering the middle of his legs subtly. He then grabs his phone from the pocket of his pants and lays down on the couch, trying to pretend Hux wasn’t just staring at him from across the room. He lays down, head on the arm rest, knees up, while he plays something on his phone. Perfect. Hux then starts working, slowly making the first lines. He knows it will take time. He knows Kylo will get tired eventually. Still, he lets himself mix the feeling he has with naked Kylo in front of him with the feeling of painting and works through it slowly, using all details and making sure he’s capturing Kylo’s relaxed body, attentive eyes, the way he bites his lip when he loses, the way his muscles tense when he’s going through something hard. Kylo is so expressive without realizing and Hux is fascinated by it.

“I’m tired of staying like this” Kylo complains after an hour, and Hux looks up at him and nods, slowly putting the ink and brushes down. Kylo is not a professional. He’s not used to it. Kylo looks up at him and slowly sits up as Hux simply stares at him. “What now?”

Hux thinks it’s obvious, but it isn’t, so he starts to remove his own clothing, and Kylo licks his lips, watching him with sparkling eyes. When he’s completely undressed, he walks to Kylo and sits on his lap, wrapping his arms around the man’s neck and kissing him deeply. Kylo then moves his hands to Hux’s bare waist, up his back and down his ass, and Hux moves closer to him, gasping against his mouth, moving one hand up to Kylo’s hair and tugging on it harshly, only to hear the man groan against his mouth.

Hux doesn’t question himself once, and when they are done, wrapped around each other on the couch, he doesn’t move away, he doesn’t try to make Kylo leave.

He falls asleep with the man’s arms around his waist.

________________________________________________________________________

08:47 am

Grab ticket. Look up.

 

“Hux. For the last time. Don’t go” Phasma pleads, standing next to Hux as they wait for his train to arrive. He holds his bag tighter. He’s taking a vacation for the first time since he moved to London, when he was twenty-one. He’s not ready, but then again, he’s not ready to see Kylo either, so this is the least bad option.

“I’m not moving away. I’m visiting my parents. Snoke agreed with it. He says I need the vacation” he says, even though he knows this vacation at his moment when the company was getting worst could be the end of his job. He doesn’t care. “I will be back in two weeks”

“You’re weak, and you’re a coward, Hux” Phasma says, angrily, and fixes her purse. She’s leaving, he knows, but he doesn’t find it in himself to tell her to stay. “I never thought I would say or even think this, but I really hope Ren finds someone better than you”

And with that, she turns away and leaves. Hux stands, still, and nods at her words. She’s right. Ren deserves someone better. He won’t say that openly, however. He would never admit that he isn’t good enough for someone like Ren. 

He feels defeated when he steps inside the train, but makes nothing to change the situation. He sits by the window, watching the people in the station, fathers hugging sons, lovers saying farewell, single travellers in work. The world is so full and alive, and Hux is so empty and dead.

He feels alive when he’s with Kylo. He feels full when he’s with Kylo. Maybe that’s the problem.

He continues looking out when the train moves, and after an hour or so, he closes his eyes and lets himself rest for the rest of the trip.

He cannot stop himself from dreaming of Ren, but he doesn’t make a fuss of it either when he wakes up.

______________________________________________________________________

11:40 am

Take a deep breath. Stop. Knock.

 

“Master Andrew!” the maid that opens the door gasps, staring at him for a moment or two before recomposing herself and stepping aside. “It is a pleasure to see you again, sir”

“Thank you Mary” he says, looking inside the mansion his parents still live. He hates it. Everything is shiny, decorated, fancy, filled with colors that don’t really match, adornments that mix classic and romantic and gothic eras. It’s simply ridiculous, but he cannot say that. “Where is mother?”

“Miss Rosemary is back in the gardens” Mary says, smiling to him, and he simply nods, looking around and heading for the stairs. “Sir, don’t you want me to call Carl so he can take your bags upstairs?”

“No, thank you Mary” he says, because he already hates human interaction. He doesn’t need to have a bit more just because he is too lazy to walk. He takes his bag upstairs to his old room, puts it over the bed and stares at the room that haven’t been touched since he was twenty one, when he moved away. It has been twelve years. He feels old.

He walks out again and heads to the gardens, finding his mother exactly there, taking care of her camellias. He walks behind her and gently taps her shoulder, making her turn and gasp loudly when she sees him. She smiles, in a way that makes her blue eyes shine, and she hugs him as if she hasn’t seen him in ages.

Twelve years, to be exact.

“Andrew” she says against his shoulder, and he hugs her back because she’s his mother and he needs to respect her. She pulls back, staring at him, and even though she doesn’t stop smiling, her eyes seem to get a bit darker as she looks at him. “Oh my boy... You’re so thin... have you been feeding yourself?”

“Yes mother” he complains, rolling his eyes and receiving a soft slap on his arm. He doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t care, not anymore. Not even if it had been a real one. He knows it’s just a small joke.

“Your father will love to see you here” she says, and Hux holds back a flinch. He nods and lets himself be taken by his mother inside the house again. He knows where his father is. He avoids the room on propose, but she takes him there anyway. “Jonathan! Our son is back!”

They walk through huge wooden doors and his father is in there. He looks around the room, and it is exactly as he remembers. Books all over the shelves, a wooden table by the right, a fireplace just in front of the door, and a chair in front of the fireplace. His father is sitting there, reading a book. He stops when they walk inside, and Hux walks behind his mother, stopping next her as she stops in front of the chair. His father looks up slowly from over his small glasses, studying first his mom and then himself. 

“Father” he says, firmly, after a long time of silence, and his mother looks between them, seeing how they talk with their eyes. His father is not happy to see him.

“I’ll leave you two alone to talk” she says, smiling, and walks out of the room quickly, closing the door behind her. Father and son stare at each other for a while, before his father hums and closes his book, putting it away.

“Have you been fired already?” he asks, raising his eyebrow, in a very familiar fashion. Hux hates that he’s just like his father in a few ways. He wants to yell at his face, say that ‘no, he hasn’t been fired because he’s too good for such a shitty company’, but he says nothing like that.

 

12:12 pm

Take a deep breath. Relax.

 

“I decided to use my accumulated vacation to spend some time with you and mother, like she has asked me at least twenty times this last twelve years” Hux says, sarcastically, because that’s the only language his father understands. He chuckles, and nods slowly.

“You’re not a complete disappointment after all” he says, in that smirking way he loves to use when he’s making false statements, and Hux pretends he doesn’t notice because why bother? His father would never think well of him, not even if he won the entire world. “Have you found someone to settle with? A respectful lady to be the mother of my grandchildren? Have you even had sex yet?”

And that is the part that Hux hates the most.

“Not yet” Hux says, not saying to which question he’s referring. His father can make his assumptions. Hux doesn’t care. He would never tell his father about Ren. The whole reason of the trip was to forget the man. His father chuckles once more and nods before taking his book in hands again.

“Disappointment, as presumed. Now leave my room” he says, and Hux nods, bowing lightly before walking out slowly, sighing deeply when he closes the door behind himself. He’s alone in the huge hallway and he just wants to go back to his house. He hates his parents. He hates them.

Hux walks to his room and sits on his bed, grabbing his phone and checking it silently. There’s a message, from Ren, and one from Phasma, both from before eleven. He checks them and decides to only answer Ren’s.

‘Hux. Phas told me you left to your parents’ house. Did something happen?’ – KR

‘Just an annual visit. No big deal. See you in two weeks’ – AH

Hux sighs deeply and closes his eyes, laying down and staring at the ceiling. He would survive two weeks, and luckily if he returned, Kylo would have gotten over him. Or he would be fired. Either option is great in Hux’s mind.

No matter how much he tells himself that’s what he wants, the thoughts don’t stop the brown eyes that show in his mind every time he closes his eyes, or the warmth that covers his body, or the way his heart beats faster.

He ends up falling asleep with his phone in hand, not taking part in lunch and waking up to see the stars decorating the sky outside.


	6. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sure... If that’s what you want” Rey says, and he thanks her for it in his mind. He takes sip after sip from the mug, slowly calming down and trying not to think about Ren’s words. 
> 
> He remembers clearly of the last person that told him those same words.
> 
>  
> 
> ‘11:57 pm
> 
> I love you too.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH OKAY now the backstory begins and you guys can understand a bit of why Hux is fixed with seeing the time.
> 
> Leave comments and kudos if you like it!

08:37 am

Wake up. Change clothes. Walk downstairs.

08:58 am

Walk to kitchen. Sit down. Wait.

 

“Good morning, Andrew. It’s so good to see you back here with us” his mother says, smiling innocently, her eyes shining happy, and he can feel the hatred filling his lungs at that raw emotion. He nods to her, and tries to give her the less fake smile he can, before he turns his face to his father as he enters the room, sitting on the edge of the table, where the oldest man always sat.

“Good morning, my beautiful wife. Good morning, son” he says, and Hux really doesn’t want to answer, but he does because it is the polite thing to do.

“Morning, father” he says, without realizing his mistake, and when he does, he looks at his father’s disgusted face. “Good morning, father. I apologize” he tries again, but he knows the mistake is already done. His mother chuckles and shakes her head, saying it doesn’t matter, but he sees the way his father holds his gaze.

“I have good news” he says, and Hux turns to face his plate, because that cannot be good for him. All the options possible that go through his head are terrible, and suddenly he really, really wants to run away and never return. “Philip is coming next week for a visit”

No.

“Oh that’s wonderful!” his mother says, oh so content, and Hux wants to die right there and then. From all the options possible, Philip is surely the worst. “I can’t believe both my sons are coming over to spend some quality time with their old mother! This will be the best week of my life!”

“He will be bringing his wife and children as well” his father adds, and his mother beams in happiness as Hux holds himself back not to stand up and leave the place. Philip or Kylo? Which one is the worst? He has no idea.

“Excuse me” Hux says, before breakfast is even served, and he stands up without waiting for an answer, pretending not to see his mother’s worried face or his father’s angry stare. He leaves the room quickly and rushes to the backdoors, which lead to the gardens. At least there is quiet and he can just relax for a few minutes, before someone comes after him to annoy him.

 

09:38 am

Walk through garden. Find bench. Sit down.

 

Hux stares ahead silently, right in front of a fountain, and wonders if he can paint moving water like he sees it. He wishes he had brought his inks and canvas, but he knows it would only make the trip worst. His father hates when he paints. Always hated it. Maybe that’s why he loves it so much.

Love. That wasn’t a word he used a lot. Actually, he only used it to talk about painting and to lie to his mother. He doesn’t love anyone. Love is weakness. His mother loves his father and for that, she had to ignore all cheating he did in the early ages. His parents married for power and obligation. His mother was pregnant of him and his father couldn’t simply leave her alone. 

He had heard that story several times before. He wonders, for a second, why they had Philip if he was so hated. But obviously, the answer comes fast. Hux was a mistake. Philip was a planned child of a marriage that needed more decedents. After all, in case Hux was a failure, they would have another try. And they did. And there Hux is, staring at water and rethinking all the problems he thought he had gotten over.

He doesn’t care about it anymore. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it. It doesn’t mean he didn’t spend his entire life trying to be what his father wanted him to be. 

But he couldn’t. Philip won the battle. And it is fine now, but it wasn’t fine before. 

Suddenly, he feels an urging need to drink. Then, an urging need to call Kylo. Then, an urging need to smoke twenty cigarettes. He does none of those, and simply sits on the bench and watches the water in silence.

_______________________________________________________________________

Three days is what he bares. Three days of stupid conversation, questions he doesn’t want to answer and constant reminders that Philip is on his way. Seventy-two hours of pure hatred and he can’t live with it anymore. He apologizes first to his mother, telling her a lie about work and saying goodbye as he holds his bag on his hands. Then, he goes to his father, leaving the bag outside and walking inside his room.

He’s sitting on the chair, reading a book in front of the lit up fireplace.

“Leaving already?” he asks, and Hux stops for a few seconds before walking all the way and stopping in front of the chair.

“Goodbye father” he says, and the man in front of him looks at him from over his glasses just like he did three days before. He closes his book with a sigh and stands up, fixing his clothes and taking his glasses off, placing them over the closed book. Then, he looks at Hux for a long time and out of nowhere, he lifts his hand. Hux knows what’s coming. He knows. He knows, also, that he should accept it because he deserves it. Never once he defied his father. Never once he defended himself.

This time however, Kylo comes to his mind. The day when he found Kylo on the snow after fighting with his own father. The way he seemed defeated and pathetic. He doesn’t want to be defeated and pathetic. He doesn’t want to be weak like Ren was. Like Ren is.

When the hand comes down, he lifts his own and holds his father’s wrist tightly. The adrenaline feels his lungs as his father stares at him as he has defied a monster, but his father is nothing more than an old man.

He’s nothing more than Jonathan Hux, and Hux has nothing to be afraid of. Not anymore.

“How dare you...” he mumbles through his teeth, and Hux can see the burning rage in his eyes. He doesn’t care. He owes him nothing.

“Goodbye, Jonathan” he says, firmly, and pushes Jonathan’s hand away, before giving him his back and leaving the room without any hesitation. He gets out of the room and leaves the door open, grabs his bag and leaves with no regrets in his heart. The adrenaline is still high after thirty-three years of silence, and he feels alive. He feels free. He goes to the train station, gets a ticket, and sends a message to Phasma. His hearts beats so hard and so fast and he feels incredible, just as if he has just painted a masterpiece.

He gets inside the train and looks out of the window, catching all the wonderful landscapes and wondering if he could paint them later.

_______________________________________________________________________

01:57 pm

Pay cab. Walk out. Knock.

 

Hux’s heart is beating inside his throat, he can feel it almost jumping out of his mouth. He has never felt like that. He waits, waits, waits, and it feels like hours.

Feels. Like hours. It feels. He holds back a soft sigh.

 

02:09 pm

Check time. Breathe. Look up.

 

“Hux?” he says as he opens the door. Hux looks up slowly, checking him out. Socks on his feet, which means he hasn’t left the house all morning. Shorts that leave his legs to show, an indication that he has nothing to do in the afternoon. Tank top, showing that he does not expect any visits. Messy hair, a sign he has just woken up.

Kylo Ren is beautiful in mornings.

“Ren” he says, almost as if he wants nothing, even though he’s standing by his door, staring at him with his bag in hand. Kylo rubs his eyes, obviously still a bit sleepy, and tilts his head.

“How did you find my address?” he asks, and that’s a wonderful question. Hux rolls his eyes and moves up the steps, making Kylo step back out of instinct, clearly looking a bit taken aback by that surprise. Hux takes the advantage to throw his bag inside and grabbing Kylo’s tank top by its sides, pulling him closer in an incredibly smooth move.

“Phasma” He answers, even though he realizes Kylo is not even listening at the moment. The man’s eyes are fixed on Hux’s lips, and Hux feels honored.

“Why are you here? Weren’t you at your parent’s house?” he asks, but he obviously doesn’t care about the answer. Hux doesn’t answer, deciding to do what Kylo wants him to do, and presses their bodies together, kissing him hard and making his way inside the house like that. Kylo places his hands on Hux’s waist and pulls him inside, closing the door, but before he can press Hux to the wall, Hux does it to Kylo, biting the taller man’s bottom lip and pulling back with a smirk.

“No no. This is my turn” he says, and that pretty much explains everything Kylo needs to know. He then leans in again, but the kiss is now slower and more sensual, and while his hands go up to tangle on Kylo’s hair, his leg moves between the man’s legs and he presses his thigh to Kylo’s crotch, causing a very welcomed reaction.

This time, nothing they do is rushed. They take their time with the kisses, the touches, the foreplay, and even the afterwards. Hux wonders if Kylo would be angry if he painted the man’s face after an orgasm, especially one like that, where he looked so wrecked. It feels so good, to know he was the one that caused it. He watches as Kylo breathes in and out slowly, trying to control his breath, the beating of his heart, and Hux doesn’t stop himself of slowly brushing his fingers through Kylo’s messy hair.

“I still don’t understand” Kylo mumbles, after a while, clearly enjoying the way Hux plays with his hair. They are laying on Kylo’s bed, and even so, Hux cannot say one single thing about the room. Not when he has Kylo laying there in front of him, so open and relaxed and beautiful. “Why are you here?”

Hux knows what Kylo is asking, but he will never answer that question.

“You’re beautiful” he says instead, and Kylo opens his eyes slowly, clearly surprised. His brown eyes shine so much Hux can barely hold himself back of just standing up and painting it on Kylo’s wall. Besides surprise, there’s also doubt inside his eyes. “You really are”

“So are you” he says, because he clearly cannot think of anything else, and that doesn’t phase Hux. He has heard that before. He doesn’t care much about looks. He never did. 

“Thank you” he says, because it is the polite thing to say, and then leans down, stealing the softest kiss he had ever given. He pretends he doesn’t notice, just because he doesn’t want to laugh, but it’s clear that Kylo has drunk something and it still tastes in his mouth. Whiskey or something else, Hux doesn’t identify, but he wonders why would Kylo drink that in the morning. He pulls back from the kiss, but lets their noses touching, breaths mixing in the centimeters between their mouths. All of it feels so soft, intimate, and even though Hux doesn’t know how to deal with it, he doesn’t worry at the moment. He smiles at Kylo’s soft sigh, his eyes once again closed, but a second later everything comes down crashing.

“I love you...”

Both freeze. Clearly, that wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. Hux’s eyes widen and Kylo looks up at him with blushing cheeks and despair in his eyes.

 

04:12 pm

Run. Run! RUN!

 

Hux stands up in a flash. He doesn’t look at Kylo, he doesn’t listen to his apologies, to his desperate attempts to make Hux stay. He dresses up and leaves as quickly as possible, forgetting his bag completely and leaving the house running. He runs for blocks without looking back, the adrenaline back to his system, and he only stops when Kylo’s pleas are no longer in his ears.

‘Hux! Hux please! Hux please stay! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!’

The words repeat themselves inside Hux’s head, but he doesn’t identify the voice. He sits by a cafe entrance, shaking, curling up around himself and hugging his knees as he tries to stop the panic attack he’s clearly having. His breathing his not giving enough air to his lungs, he feels like he’s falling into an eternal abyss, everything is turning, he’s shaking, tears fill his eyes and he gasps for air.

He can’t see the time. He can’t see the time. He can’t bring himself to look.

“Sir?” he listens, and his head snaps up as someone puts their hand over his shoulder. It’s a girl. Wait. It’s Phasma’s girlfriend, Rey. “Hux? Oh dear” she says, sweetly, and kneels next to him, taking his hands and furrowing her eyebrows. “Hux. Breathe. Breathe with me” she says, and shows him how. He follows her because there’s nothing else he can do, and slowly his breathing comes back to normal, together with his heartbeat. She smiles sweetly and helps him up before calling someone inside the cafe. Soon, Finn and Poe come out, and Hux can’t do anything but accept their help as they take him inside and put him on a chair. His legs shake too much to be useful.

“We should call Phasma” Finn says, but Hux shakes his head quickly, taking slow breaths and trying to control his shaking hands enough so he can hold the coffee mug in front of him. The three stare at him before slowly sitting down, worry all over their faces.

“I am... fine” Hux says, slowly, now holding the mug and drinking from it slowly. They don’t seem to believe it, but they don’t pressure him. “If one of you could call a cab, that would be more than enough. Also if you could not tell about this to anyone...”

“Sure... If that’s what you want” Rey says, and he thanks her for it in his mind. He takes sip after sip from the mug, slowly calming down and trying not to think about Ren’s words. 

He remembers clearly of the last person that told him those same words.

 

‘11:57 pm

I love you too.’


	7. I loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> '“Leaving? With that Nathan boy?” he asked, and Hux froze. He laughed. “I am not stopping you. How could I? You are stronger than I am, and I have no interest in keeping you. However, I must warn you, as your boss and owner, that he is not what you think he is”
> 
> Hux would have fought. But he just decided to leave.
> 
> “I am going. Goodbye” he said and turned around, leaving Jonathan laughing to himself. 
> 
> He took his bags and left his house, heading towards Nathan’s house. He had made up his mind. He would live with Nathan and then they would look for somewhere else and live their lives in their own way. Together. 
> 
> He left the wrist clock over his father’s table on his way out, and did not look back.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: heavily implied violence; physical, emotional and mental abuse; mentions of sex; unhealthy habits; problematic families; flashback.

_The sun rose bright in the Hux’s house._

_Armitage stared outside his window silently, taking in the morning air, breathing it in and letting his own used air out._

_The day was warm, with the cold breeze messing up his hair, the sun bright blue, the grass light green. Everything seemed to be out of a beautiful painting._

_“Army?” he heard from outside his door. He turned around, facing it._

_“Come in, Philip”_

_The small, four years old boy wiggled inside his room, and Armitage raised his eyebrow, staring down at his brother._

_“Do you… want to come play?” he asked, softly, moving from one foot to the other, little hands holding each other tight. Armitage sighed._

_“I can’t” he said, softly. “I have to study”_

_“You study all year long!” his little brother whined, and then stood still again. “I-I… I just want to play with you…”_

_He felt bad. He did. But as the older brother, he had to remain in his father’s precise line._

_“I can’t. Go play with your friends or Mary” he said firmly, and Philip winced, his little eyes tearing up as he looked down at the ground._

_“you are just like father” he mumbled, and ran away, crying. Armitage stayed inside his room, watching him, eyes wide, surprised._

_That should be a compliment. It felt like a dagger in his heart._

_His eyes teared up as well, but he quickly wiped them dry and turned to the window, closing it tight and heading to his studying desk._

_He did not have time to play silly games and have fun. He had to please their father, for both of their sakes._

_Philip didn’t understand, but one day he would. And when he did, everything would come clear and he wouldn’t hate Armitage anymore._

_08:02 am_

_Two minutes late. A true disgrace._

_He winced at his father’s voice inside his head and grabbed his book and notebook._

_He would make his father proud._

_It didn’t matter how._

_He met Nathan when he was eight years old._

_Nathan, also eight, was his mother’s friend’s son._

_His father had relieved him from duty to go out with his mother. Armitage knew, though. He knew his father made up the excuse to bring one of his women home and fuck her on their bed._

_He sensed his mother knew it as well, but never had enough courage to ask._

_Philip was quick to walk towards Nathan and his mother, presenting himself and laughing as the other boy did the same. Armitage stayed away, shy as always. He was never truly fond of human interactions, but was polite and gentle._

_However, upon seeing Nathan, something seemed to… change. To click. And his mother clearly noticed, like any good mother would._

_She took her friend and Philip away from him and Nathan, promising the small boy some candy, and Nathan walked towards Armitage, who now had no protection of any adult or toddler._

_“Armitage, right?” the boy asked, and he nodded slowly. “Hello. I am Nathan” he said and grinned, raising his hand._

_He stared at the hand for a second before slowly moving his own and shaking Nathan’s._

_“Pleasure Nathan. I am Armitage”_

_And as easy as that, a new friendship formed._

_Armitage took interest in painting when he was nine. Nathan helped him in that._

_“Why don’t we try it out? You are great at drawing” he said, showing Armitage one of his own doodles. The boy cringed, and shook his head. “Come on, Mit… You are!”_

_“I am not. Besides, if my father found out…” he said, but Nathan cut him short._

_“Your father won’t find out. I promise. We can do it when you are at my house! That way I can watch you and you can hide it from your dad!” he said, and Armitage bit his lip, unsure._

_“I… I don’t know…” he mumbled, and Nathan placed his hand on his shoulder, grinning ear to ear, squeezing it and nodding._

_“Yes?”_

_He sighed._

_“Yes. But only if I end up liking it”_

_Nathan grinned so bright, Armitage was sure that the sun couldn’t shine so bright, and that there was nothing that could make his heart beat as fast as that smile._

_At his ten year old birthday party, his father gave him a wrist clock._

_Armitage was confused at first, but accepted it with a smile and quickly put it on. He went to the man for a hug, but his father just turned and left._

_His mother gave him a toy and kissed his cheek and his brother gave him a handwritten card and gave him a hug, which he felt like it was just enough._

_Nathan gave him a necklace. A friendship necklace, with a diamond puzzle piece. He had a matching one that he showed Armitage later, behind a tree, after all the guests had left._

_“I know it is not much but…” he started, but Armitage shook his head._

_“It is more than enough. It is beautiful and I… I loved it” he whispered, shyly, and looked down at his hands. They were sweaty, and he was nervous, rubbing his fingers together. Nathan just let out a soft chuckle._

_“I am glad” he said, and after a moment of silence, he spoke again. “Can I give you my second gift now?”_

_Armitage looked up curious, frowning a bit._

_“Two? Why?”_

_Nathan didn’t answer._

_“Close your eyes and trust me” he said, and Armitage bit his lip before nodding. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, relaxing and waiting._

_They were both ten, both intelligent. The brightest kids in their classroom. Nathan first and Armitage as close second. However, no studying, no math or physics or history in the world could have prepared Armitage for that single moment._

_He felt the boy’s lips on his own for a simple second. The kiss so sweet, gentle and innocent, like any ten year old would have dreamed. And Armitage… he was no different ten year old._

_He opened his eyes, wide, cheeks blushing a furious red, and Nathan looked at him and giggled, his own cheeks darker, but ever only slightly._

_“Y-y-you…”_

_“Happy birthday, Mit” he whispered, and held his hand, smiling. Armitage had never felt so happy. SO confused. So scared._

_His heart and stomach were exploding with colors and sensations. That moment, he wanted to paint._

_He wanted to paint so badly._

_Nathan’s smile, eyes, hair, crinkles, freckles, dimples, ears, nose, hands, neck…_

_He was staring at the most beautiful, wonderful creature he had ever looked at, and he was shaken by it. He wanted to let all his sentiment out, especially after he left to his home again._

_And without thinking, he took out the paint and canvas he had bought to take to Nathan’s, fixing everything in his room and starting to paint in all the ways he could._

_Nothing before had been so abstract, so full and confused, but also never had been so happy, so full of life._

_It was an explosion of yellows and oranges and reds and pinks. And by the end of it, a few blues and greens here and then, as the passion moved away and gave space for serenity and happiness._

_He did not remember the last time he had been so happy._

_At night, in that same day, after dinner, his father called him to meet him in his room at precisely ten minutes._

_He arrived twelve minutes after, not giving it as much importance as he should have._

_“Why are you two minutes late?” his father asked. He frowned and looked down at his wrist clock._

_9:12 pm_

_“I am sorry father. I did not check” he said, still not giving as much importance, but sounding as if he did. His father hummed and nodded from his chair._

_“Close the door. Lock it. And come here”_

_Confused, and not at all curious, Armitage did as told, closing and locking the door to the room and heading towards his father. The man was holding a cigarette, smoking it slowly, watching as Armitage came closer and stopped in front of him._

_“Yes, father?”_

_“Armitage, do you know why I gave you this clock?”_

_He stayed still for a few seconds, thinking, before risking an answer._

_“So I will be always on time..?” he said, slowly, and his father just sighed and closed his book, placing it over the wooden table next to his chair._

_“Time, my son, is the one and only thing we have. Time can be cruel, and time can be relieving, depending on circumstances. Time can kill and time can cure. Time can burn and time can freeze. Everything we do revolves around time, and time is the only thing we have aside from our body. And today… today, you are ten years old” he sighed, and looked at Armitage with cold, impassive eyes. “Ten years of wasted time and potential, in my part. Ten years wasting money, time, patience and so on to give you all I could. Because, fortunately or not, but most likely the latter, your mother loved me and decided that, to keep me around, she had to become pregnant, to have a child. And she was right” he continued, and Armitage felt every word slowly digging their way through his mind and body, making him ache. “She became pregnant of you, and we had to be united by marriage. A marriage that we all know will never be happy or fulfilling in either part. A marriage surrounded by lies, well built structures, money and power._

_“And you, with your childish innocent and ingenuity, may say that you are just like Philip. That Philip, just like you, was a mistake, a simple toll to build this family, but you would be wrong. Philip was well thought. Philip was an agreement. An agreement of peace. A baby that would be raised in the way your mother wanted. A baby that, no matter what, would bring us the happiness of a child. Because I despise you with every single fiber of my being, and I would never be able to love you” he said, and at that moment, those words dug so deep that Armitage could not hold back the tears that rose in his eyes. His father did not seem fazed by it, however. He just continued. “However, there is something you can do, and the clock I gave you is the proof of that._

_“You, Armitage, can make me proud” he said, and a sparkle of hope burned deep inside the ten year old. “This clock is the time you have. Your brother will always be better than you. You cannot fight it. I will never love you as I love him. But if you do it all right, if you work your hardest, and if you never fall distracted, working every single day and doing your best, one day, perhaps, I will love you._

_“And on that day, you will take this clock out of your wrist and be free from my judgment. You will be free of my hatred. And you will be able to do as you wish, and to live the life you want”_

_Armitage’s legs trembled. He felt his tears sliding down his cheeks, a knot in his throat, his heart breaking in small, little pieces, and falling onto the ground._

_His father tilted his head, looking for an answer._

_“Y-yes, father” he whimpered, and Jonathan hummed, leaning back on the chair and reaching for a paper on his desk._

_“This is your new schedule. If you ever need to change it, come to me to talk. If you don’t respect it, you will be punished. Your punishment will come from yourself. If you need to be punished, come to me at precisely 9:10 pm, at any night. And I will be here to make sure you are back at your place” he said and handed Armitage his papers. He took them, hands shaking. “You will also now be known as Hux, and Hux only. Our staff has been warned, such has your mother and brother. If Philip calls you by your name, or your mother, or anyone else, you are not to answer, and are to come here at my specific hour to report me their mistake. If you answer, you are to be punished, and must come here at the same time. Are we clear?”_

_Ar… Hux, nodded slowly, body trembling as he held back his own tears, hiccups and sobs._

_“Yes, father” he whispered, and the man hummed, nodding._

_“You may go now. This schedule is to be followed starting tomorrow. That being said, make sure to make the most of your night” he said, and Hux nodded, walking away after bowing and heading out of the room._

_The hallway was empty. He closed the door, before walking out to the gardens, sitting on the bench by the fountain, and staring down at the schedule as he let his tears fall free now, sobs and hiccups accompanying._

_6:00 am_

_Wake up. Stand up._

_6:02 am_

_Brush teeth. Take shower._

_6:15 am_

_Get dressed. Come down for breakfast._

_6:30 am_

_Return to your room._

_6:34 am_

_Study._

_8:34 am_

_Take a break. Look out of the window._

_8:47 am_

_Return studying._

_Hux continued to read the list, biting his lip hard as he continued crying, curling up on the bench, alone, and hugging his knees._

_He could do it. He could do it. He could do it._

_He checked the list again._

_‘Saturday:_

_Free day. Do as you wish._

_Do not engage with me in any way.’_

_He sobbed loudly and pressed his face against his knees._

_He could do it._

_But he didn’t know for how long._

_Hux was fifteen when he explained everything to Nathan._

_It was Saturday, his free day. Hux was painting a beach while Nathan played video games. Hux was oddly silent that day. Flinching at every touch. Nathan was suspicious._

_It didn’t take long for his friend to press Hux against a wall and ask questions. And honestly? Hux had no one else to talk to about it. So, he decided to let it out._

_He told it all to Nathan, but he did not cry. Not anymore. He hadn’t cried since he was thirteen. He showed the painfully red marks all over his body from his father’s punishments, who, despite taking pleasure in hurting him, never wanted anyone to know. So, he used ways that made the marks leave in one day or so. He explained about his routine, how and why he had his clock with him at all times, why he never disobeyed the list._

_And somehow, that same night, Nathan took him and gave him all he needed. A shoulder to cry on, despite of him not crying, a place to support himself, comfort and, specially, a distraction._

_That night, Nathan promised he would be there for Hux, no matter what. He promised he would love him forever, that he would take care of him. They slept together that night, and the night after that. Nathan asked Hux to be his and he accepted, like any foolish fifteen year old would._

_He painted Nathan the next night, and Nathan laughed and kissed him like they were meant to be. He kissed him with a warm laugh and soft lips and so much happiness that Hux had never truly felt._

_And Hux was happy. So, so happy._

_He didn’t follow his schedule. He didn’t tell his father about it. He laughed and painted between learning and studying. He loved… and was loved in return._

_And after five years of silent suffering, he was finally truly happy._

_“I love you” Nathan whispered one night, after a wonderful round of sex and painting and laughing. Hux looked at him surprised, shaken, and his eyes widened._

_“You…”_

_“I love you” he laughed, and caressed Hux’s face. “I love you, Armitage. More than anything in the world”_

_Hux didn’t believe it. But he did._

_His eyes widened, and despite being eighteen, he cried, and cried for a long, long time as Nathan held him._

_“I love you too” he sobbed out, and Nathan smiled._

_He had never been happier. Never in his life. And he betted he would never be so happy again._

_“you broke your schedule”_

_One month after the confession, and Hux was standing in front of his father, eye to eye, exactly at 9:10 pm._

_“I did. And I am breaking it for the last time” he answered, and his father raised an eyebrow._

_“Oh?”_

_“Yes. I am leaving” he said, firmly, and his father smirked slowly. The scariest smile Hux had ever seen in his life. But he could handle it._

_“Leaving? With that Nathan boy?” he asked, and Hux froze. He laughed. “I am not stopping you. How could I? You are stronger than I am, and I have no interest in keeping you. However, I must warn you, as your boss and owner, that he is not what you think he is”_

_Hux would have fought. But he just decided to leave._

_“I am going. Goodbye” he said and turned around, leaving Jonathan laughing to himself._

_He took his bags and left his house, heading towards Nathan’s house. He had made up his mind. He would live with Nathan and then they would look for somewhere else and live their lives in their own way. Together._

_He left the wrist clock over his father’s table on his way out, and did not look back._

_He had never cried as much as he cried that night._

_Hux arrived to Nathan’s house, content and happy. He felt nervous, the need to look at the time already glued to his mind, but now he was decided. He wouldn’t ever need his father anymore. He was free of his schedule, his craziness. He just needed Nathan and somewhere new._

_He headed to the stable behind the house, where they usually spend their nights. He would leave his bags there and go to Nathan’s room in case he wouldn’t be there. Upon arriving, however, his certainty started to crumble as he heard voices coming from the stable._

_He stopped right outside, placing his bags down carefully and frowning as he heard laugh after laugh._

_His head moved towards the window on the door, checking inside._

_And honestly, he wished he had never done so._

_The tears came immediately, followed by a knot in his throat as the conversation now seemed clearer and louder from where he was standing._

_“I can’t believe I have to wait until Monday to see you again” the girl said, sighing as Nathan kissed down her neck, their naked bodies close together under a blanket. Nathan sighed and pulled away, staring at her._

_“I told you. I just need to break it off with Hux, that is all. You are the one that wants to keep this lie” he said, angrily, and she shushed him with a kiss._

_“Love. If you get him to yourself, you can get all his power and money and then we can live happily ever after with everything that skinny ass will provide us” she said, caressing his face slowly. Nathan hummed and closed his eyes, smiling._

_“Yes… And then I can give you all you deserve and I can break it off and make you a queen” he whispered and kissed all over her neck and cheeks, making her laugh and nod._

_“Ah… I love you Nate…”_

_“I love you too…”_

_And so, they kissed, clearly heading down to something else. And Hux, with his badly mended heart falling apart again, fell to the ground, legs too shaky to hold his weight._

_His tears slid down his cheek like waterfalls, one following the other, as he held the necklace under his shirt tight. And then, with a swift move, he tugged it out, breaking the delicate golden string and looking down at the puzzle piece, keeping his sobs quiet as he cried, the sound of laughs and moans and promises filling his ears, brain and entire soul._

_He held the necklace tight on his hand, and found it impossible to let it go._

_He stood after the sounds had stopped. When the moon was up in the sky, and all he could hear was the sound of the animals around him._

_He took his bags and walked all the way back home. He headed to his bedroom, and laid on his bed, letting his tears and sobs come out loud, as he was unable to sleep or even close his eyes without his lungs shattering a bit more. He had no more heart to break. He felt every single organ failing him._

_When the sun rose, he wasn’t crying anymore._

_He spent his entire day inside his room, drawing. Nathan came to visit, but he told Mary to tell him to leave. He painted five paintings the entire day, and most of them of dark skies, rain and pain._

_He painted Nathan and the girl. He stared at the painting for way too long, but kept it like that._

_He ate all his meals inside his room, and only left after dinner._

_After Philip was in room, and his mother was asleep. When all staff were away, and no one in that huge mansion would be able to hear his screams._

_And then, he entered his father’s room._

_It was Saturday._

_“I told you not to come to me on Saturdays”_

_“You were right”_

_His father looked up at him and hummed. Hux was broken. He looked broken, and his father knew it._

_“Take the clock. And get ready”_

_And Hux did as commanded._

_He put on his clock again, and removed his clothes all the way to his underwear, before kneeling down and waiting._

_All his pride, his life, his soul, his heart was worthless._

_All that mattered was pain and time._

_And that night, his father did not mind if it would mark or not._

_And neither did he._

_9:28 pm_

_Suffer. Suffer. **Suffer. Suffer.**_

****

_9:59 pm_

_Take it. Take it. **Take it. Take it.**_

****

_11:36 pm_

_Cry. Cry. **Cry**._

_2:57 am_

**_Pass out. We are done._ **

****

**_“But remember you let me down. You need to rebuild my expectations. Can you do it?”_ **

_No._

_But he would never say it out loud._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh gosh, I am sorry for such a long wait, but I was finally able to have enough inspiration to write again!   
> Anyway, thank you for reading and leave kudos and comments if you enjoyed it!


	8. It rains on my broken mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 03:33 am
> 
> Look at the time. Breathe. Breathe.
> 
>  
> 
> That does not sound like his father.
> 
> Suddenly, there is no rain falling over him.
> 
> There are warm hands on his face.
> 
> A leather coat on his back.
> 
> “Breathe for me” the voice repeats. He does as it says, and his vision is a bit too blurry and dark to identify who is talking.
> 
> But the hands tell stories enough.

Somehow, he found himself able to run away from them before they could call Phasma.

Somehow, he found himself getting inside his house, safe, without anyone around him.

Somehow, he was able to catch some silence.

 

05:09 pm

Get inside. Lock the door. Fall.

 

He bites his lip as he falls down, back against the wall, his eyes tearing up as he lets himself cry once again in his miserable life.

When he finally thought he was getting over his past mistakes… his past fears.

He closes his eyes, trying to find a calm ground. His heartbeat is accelerated, his body is shaking, his eyes are tearing up, his lungs are airless. He is so, so tired, and it isn’t even night yet.

He feels like the world is weighing on his shoulders.

Why did he have to say it?

Why?

Groaning, he stays up again, rubbing his eyes with his arms and walking to the living room. He pushes the furniture away and grabs his canvas and paints, but leaves them there, carelessly. So different from how he used to treat them.

Kylo’s painting calls his attention and he stares at it, silently.

He bites his lip, and slowly pulls it out from its hiding spot, placing it over the couch and making sure to absorb every detail he could.

The eyes weren’t as warm as they should be. The hands weren’t so calloused. His thighs not as heavy. Everything was wrong.

Hux sighs and rubs his eyes again, hard, until he can see colorful spots in front of him. Then, he opens his eyes and sees the splashes of colors on the painting, and it calms him somehow.

The painting wouldn’t scare him.

Then, he remembers.

He turns around, heading to his bedroom.

 

05:38 pm

Check drawer.

 

Hux slides the drawer open slowly, biting his lip, heart skipping a new beat. It hurts so much, even after all this time.

He looks at the puzzle piece necklace, next to a picture of Nathan’s children and wife in his wedding. In the back of the picture, Hux catches himself, skin pale white, eyes with bags from lack of sleep, tuxedo more expensive than the wife’s dress.

It hurts to think he was once a fool enough to believe it would be him there.

But it hurt even more to know that he could feel that same hope growing in his chest. And for who?

Kylo Ren.

Hux growls deeply at his own stupidity, his heart racing once again as suddenly his father’s voice returns to his head.

_“Run away? With that Nathan boy?”_

Then, a new wince, and he falls on the bed, sitting down, hands holding the necklace as he presses them against his face.

_Hux is holding Ren’s hand on his own. They are walking through the gardens of the Hux’s household. The sun is setting, Philip’s children are running around the fountain, momma is making dinner with Mary, Philip and his wife are laughing and playing by the swings, pretending to be kids._

_“I love you” Ren says, and turns to Hux smiling. He still feels surprised, but his surprise is good now. Relieving._

_“I love you too” he whispers, turning to Kylo. By the corner of his eyes, he sees the RIP stone of his father, dead and gone. Kylo stares down at him, his hand sliding up his hand, stopping by his wrist, holding the clock._

_Hux freezes, but Kylo steps closer and surrounds him and suddenly, Hux is safe. So, so safe._

_“You are free now, Hux” he breathes out, and he doesn’t mind the last name usage like he used to. It sounds better than Armitage in his mind. He breathes hard, and looks down at the wrist clock._

_“I am” he breathes back, and Kylo reaches up with the other hand, smiling as Hux looks up again._

_“I love you. I will never leave” he whispers and slowly, undoes the clock, letting it fall on the ground as he holds Hux close._

_Neither notice they are now stepping on the clock as they move one step closer._

_“I don’t want you to” he whispers back and leans in, standing in his tiptoes and pressing his lips to Kylo’s. He answers right away, his arms circling Hux’s waist, pulling him close._

Hux leaves his dream-like state when a thunder sounds outside. He looks at his window and quickly closes the curtains, the glass just constantly closed anyway. He then sighs, laying on his bed as the thunders continue, his body trembling and paining him to even stay sitting up.

A feeling settles in his stomach and he hates it.

He hates that feeling.

The feeling of hating oneself.

He closes his eyes in a desperate attempt to escape his self loathing. The need to smoke comes hard, but he holds back. The clock on his wrist weights but he refuses to open his eyes.

He is settling himself for a panic attack. He can feel the breaths getting shorter, quicker. His heartbeat speeding by the second. His brain tossing and turning with worst and worst ideas to relieve the pain.

_“Your body is mine, Hux. If you dare to even try to kill yourself, you better get it done in the first try, or else you will regret to ever try it out, alright?”_

His father’s voice is so clear. Gosh, he seems to be next to Hux, breathing those words in his ear as he prepares for a new assault.

But he isn’t there. Hux is alone. Alone in his grey and green, small and boring flat.

 _“It fits you”_ he hears Kylo saying, and his heart stops fastening for a moment, before it continues, settling him into further despair.

Is time going slower or is the attack really taking its time to charge up?

Hux is unsure, and unwilling to check.

He thinks he hears a knock on his door, but the thunders are loud and the rain blocks almost every sound.

He feels like dying.

And then the attack comes.

 

 

03:57 pm

Look up. Frown.

 

The knocks on the door are insistent.

Worst than the thunders two days before.

“Hux, if you don’t open up, I will destroy this door” he hears Phasma, but he doesn’t believe her. He sips onto his third cup of coffee for the day, ignoring all the unwashed mugs, all the empty cans around the house, dirtying the floor, all the bottles broken around in the ground he walks with only a pair of flip-flops.

He is wearing a green robe that is currently all dirty with dry and wet paint. He has paintings all over his rooms, kitchen and bathroom. He has paint everywhere as well. On the ceiling, the walls, the floor, TV, carpet, bed sheets.

He wonders how he hasn’t resorted in eating his paints like the old ones did before.

“Hux, please, we want to help” says a new voice. Rey, he remembers. Phasma’s girlfriend.

She is a sweetheart, but Hux is already done with her.

“Come on boss. Let us in” says Finn, with that annoying voice of his.

He just wants to explode his door with them all behind it.

He doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t have to. He owns them nothing. He owns himself nothing.

He owns Kylo an answer, but that is non important.

“Andrew please” Phasma begs, resorting to his first name. Well, what she thinks his first name is anyway.

No one knows his first name. Not even his family remembers, he thinks.

(Obviously they do, but his father convinced everyone to call him Hux or Andrew. Never his name. _Never_ his true name. He isn’t _worthy_ of it”

“God be damned!” he hears Finn’s boyfriend complain. “Do we really have to stay here all day waiting for him to come out? He will come eventually, to buy food or what not. Let’s just wait”

Hux realizes at least someone out there has a bit of common sense.

He wonders how many times Dameron’s heart has been broken, but the thought quickly escapes.

“He… he is right. We need to give him time” Rey tells Phasma, but she doesn’t seem convinced, from what he can hear.

“I will be waiting for that moment, Hux” she says, angrily, and after a few minutes, he listens to footsteps going away, taking and complaining.

He stares at his cup of coffee and sips on it again, the bitter taste filling his mouth, making him almost wince. He doesn’t.

 

04:18 pm

Get up. Paint.

 

 

Indeed, after another day, he realizes he doesn’t have more coffee.

His coffee only based diet is making him sick. He can feel it. His stomach is fucked up, and he is certain that his not-at-all toned torso is already beginning to show ribs. He doesn’t care though.

He sleeps two hours a day, by midday, and it is amazing. He has over fifty drawings done, three in the canvas he had, and the rest on his walls.

Suddenly, they are not so green and grey.

They are surrounded by yellows and blues and browns and reds.

He feels… in love.

He checks outside before he leaves that night, despite being around 2 in the morning. There is no one around. He pulls on a dirty jeans and his sweater and leaves to one of those always-open supermarkets.

He is so dirty from three days without showering or changing that he looks and feels homeless. But in all honesty, he has never truly had a home until that very moment.

He buys coffee for weeks. Coffee is his blessing. He hears the rain starting outside the supermarket and walks to the cashier, not even seeing her look of disgust.

He looks down at his clock.

 

02:59 am

Pay.

 

A smile lightens his face up. He has never had such a relaxed schedule.

He doesn’t even know what day it is.

“What day is today?” he asks the cashier as he handles her 300 euros in cash. She stares at him confused and then takes only 200. “take the rest”

“You… sir, the payment…”

“What day is today?” he asks again, leaving the euro there and staring. She frowns, even more confused.

“Tuesday..?”

His smile widens.

“Tuesday. Working day” he whispers and grabs his coffee. “Thank you” he says, and leaves, looking at the rain and getting under it.

He feels _crazy_.

He is smiling at first. It is fun. To do whatever you want, to be the ruler of your own time.

And then, reality comes crashing down.

He isn’t even sure about what it is. Money? Loneliness?

He feels it sinking in him and his eyes tear up. The coffee falls from his hands on a puddle under him, and so does he. The street is empty, and he is staring at a broken streetlight that keeps flickering.

His body is getting soaked, short hair sticking to his face, body so, so weak as he kneels there, holding his pants tight as if they would give him any enclosure as to what to do.

He is so lost.

The first sob comes with a thunder, and he covers himself in fear, the rain making him cold. He is trembling, crying, his heart breaking again and again, his stomach grumbling and complaining, his heart breaking in parts and accelerating, his mouth drying for some coffee to be in it.

He thinks of the colors of his walls, thinking about buying the green and grey paints. They would easily cover his drawings, right? His paintings?

He thinks of the canvas, about buying gasoline and burning them all. Destroying it all. Watch it all burn with the memories attached and the broken dreams.

He wonders if his father would be proud. If his mother still loves him.

Pathetic, thrown in the streets, soaking over a puddle, crying like a baby over some spilled and let down coffee beans.

The clock seems so heavy on his wrist, as if it wants to get out and free him. Like a chain.

He must handle it. He must carry the chain with him.

He looks at it, wipes his eyes and leans towards the flickering lamp.

 

03:33 am

Look at the time. Breathe. _Breathe_.

 

That does not sound like his father.

Suddenly, there is no rain falling over him.

There are warm hands on his face.

A leather coat on his back.

“Breathe for me” the voice repeats. He does as it says, and his vision is a bit too blurry and dark to identify who is talking.

But the hands tell stories enough.

“Mine or yours?” the voice asks again, and he whimpers, more and more tears coming out, mixing with the cold rain. He isn’t sure if he wants anyone to see his mess.

He doesn’t show his keys, so the voice just nods and slowly pulls him up by his hands. He follows, and then there is an arm around his waist, steadying him as they walk away from the puddle.

Hux is all wet. He is soaked. But whoever is taking him away must be too, by this time.

They take the time Hux need. Their steps are slow, their arm on his waist is steady, he feels like leaning on forever. But he can’t. he can’t.

_Why?_

He doesn’t know the answer to that.

He just knows he can’t.

That should be enough.

At least to his broken soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i took so long omggggg
> 
> I think this is close to its finishing point but i am not certain???? we will see!
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


	9. Philip?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You don’t know what I was thinking” Hux retorts, defensive, but Philip just rolls his eyes.
> 
> “I am not stupid. I know what you were thinking. Shit about yourself that isn’t true and yet you pretend it is because it is easier to be a 30 years old man who is still controlled by a man and a clock than being your own person!” he says, angrily, slamming his hand on the wall, and Hux stares.
> 
> “Shut up” he groans, and then turns back to the bath, eyes filling up with even more tears. He is too tired, too frustrated and heartbroken for this.
> 
> He is too heartbroken for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta thank @real___remy for their amazing support and awesome aesthetic/edit/collage for this fanfic!!!!! If I could gift a chapter to someone, would be them. Thank youuuuuuu

“Sit down”

Hux feels his legs trembling, his body shaking, shivers making his hairs getting up on his skin. He sits, because he is told to do so. At that moment, he isn’t able to do anything by his own wants.

He is soaked, wet from head to toe, his eyes are burning, his body is screaming for some kind of rest, and his heart is beating as if he has just stopped running after making his way through the whole city.

He isn’t okay, and anyone that looks at him at that moment knows it.

Specially the one person that is staring at him at that exact moment.

“You’re dirty”

Hux winces. He knows. He hasn’t showered for three days. He hasn’t eaten for three days.

For three days, he lived in a nightmare. And now he is entering reality, and he is even more scared than he was before.

“You need a shower”

Hux wonders why he keeps talking.

He moves closer, pulling his own jacket away from Hux’s shoulders, letting it slide to the floor. Then, he moves to remove the robe around his skinny, bony body. That is when Hux lifts his head to face him for the first time.

And Philip moves his head up, to look back at him, worry plastered in his face.

“Why are you here?” Hux breathes out, brokenly. His voice doesn’t sound very human. It sounds almost robotic, static, so so broken to pieces. He hates it. He hates it so much. Philip stares at him, even more worried.

“I came after you. I arrived yesterday at our home and mother told me what happened” he says, and he is so worried. It’s almost comical. “I was worried, Armie”

“Don’t call me that” is his first instinct. He almost growls the phrase out. His voice is suddenly firmer than before. Philip’s eyes widen a bit, but soon return to normal.

“father is not here” he assures, holding Hux’s arm, rubbing circles onto it with his thumbs. “God be damned, brother, you… you are worst than I thought you would be…”

“This is… not the usual” he says, needing to explain himself. “This is… after a trauma”

“Trauma? What happened?” Philip asks, worried, and Hux wishes he could just go back to his house and pretend this never happened.

“Nothing of your business!” he says, almost screaming. Philip moves back, and bites his lip, and Hux looks down, still trembling. After a moment, Philip squeezes his arms.

“You need a shower”

Hux sighs and nods. It is the last thing he wants at that moment but… he is too weak to fight against Philip. Specially if they are alone.

So, he lets Philip help him take off his clothes. He feels ridiculous, like a child being bathed by their mother. However, he endures it, being helped by his _younger_ brother to go to the bathroom once he is only in his boxers. Philip sits him on the toilet and fills the bathtub of the hotel.

Yeah, because Philip doesn’t have a house in London and his kids are nowhere to be seen.

Hux watches as the water moves up in the white bathtub, fascinated. He has never taken a bath before. His showers usually take long, but that is what they are. Showers. This… this is way too much. And yet, it should feel amazing.

“Take it off please” Philip says, nodding to the underwear, and hux hums, taking it out and slowly standing up. Philip has the decency of turning away as hux slowly, but surely made his way into the tub. He sighs, the warm, hot water surrounding him, making all his problems melt away into it.

Chuckling, Philip adds some bubbly soup and some salts, watching as the water begins to change colors. Hux looks around at it, and waves his arms around, letting out a soft snort as the bubbles begin to appear.

He is so, so drunk out of tiredness. He is laughing because of bubbles. Great.

Philip chuckles with him and Hux looks up, confused. Philip is smiling… way too fondly and it surely breaks all Hux’s possible moods, making him turn his face back to the water, a sudden frustration filling his entire being.

He feels the tears rising again and he doesn’t know why. He is so _tired_.

“Armie…” Philip whispers, and Hux winces, teeth clashing together. “I am not going to call you Hux”

“It is my name. It is yours too. You should use it with more respect” he growls out, eyes opening to stare at the bubbles in front of him. Philip sighs.

“Armitage, stop it” he says, firmly, and Hux feels the need to curl up and hide.

Philip is so much bigger than him now. So much wiser. He has a family. He has a beautiful wife and beautiful kids and he has their father’s love and _respect_.

“Armitage, quit it!” he says, firmer, louder, and Hux turns his face to him, staring back at his brother. “Stop thinking shit. Come back to the real world”

“You don’t know what I was thinking” Hux retorts, defensive, but Philip just rolls his eyes.

“I am not stupid. I know what you were thinking. Shit about yourself that isn’t true and yet you pretend it is because it is easier to be a 30 years old man who is still controlled by a man and a clock than being your own person!” he says, angrily, slamming his hand on the wall, and Hux stares.

“Shut up” he groans, and then turns back to the bath, eyes filling up with even more tears. He is too tired, too frustrated and heartbroken for this.

_He is too heartbroken for this._

“Sorry” Philip sighs, relaxing and slowly moving his hand close to Hux, gently touching his shoulder. He sinks further, and Philip pulls his hand away. “May I help you with the bathing?”

“No” he huffs, turned away from him. Afraid he could see his tears.

“I will be right back then. Warn me when you are done” Philip says, and leaves the bathroom, closing the door behind himself. Hux lets the tears leave his eyes then, and fall on the bathtub. But he is relaxed now, at least.

Slowly, he reaches for the shampoo and wets his hair by sinking under the water. Slowly, he washes himself, he washes his hair, his body, meticulously. He is so dirty, the water becomes brown-ish. It is disgusting. He hates it.

He hates many things. Specially if they are connected to him.

After he is done, he rinses it all off and makes his way off the tub. He is still weak, but now he is a bit better. He is able to reach the towel and he wraps it around himself, slowly walking to the door.

“I am done” he says, and Philip opens the door immediately. Hux rolls his eyes. “I am not dying, you know?”

“You look like you are” he assures, and nods for him to come out. Hux does. “I only have a few of my own pajamas. I hope they are suitable”

“Yes” he answers, dryly, and reaches for the pajamas on the bed. He dries himself without taking the towel from around his body, and then pulls the pants and shirt over his body, not really wanting to put any underwear.

He goes down to lay on the bed right away, his hair wet and dripping and messy. Philip sighs, weakly, and pulls him up again, making Hux stare angrily.

“Let me comb and dry your hair and then you can sleep” he says, and Hux agrees with a single nod. He has always loved drying his hair. Philip gives him a pleased smile and nods back, standing up again to retrieve the hairdryer.

Hux waits as he grabs the comb and plugs the object. Then, he moves according to Philip’s movements, and he can’t help but feel a mix of embarrassment and sentiment when Philip makes it as he is leaning against the headboard of the bed and Hux is between his legs, leaning against his chest.

It’s weird, seems too intimate, specially for two brothers that haven’t seen each other for years, but there it is.

And then there is the feeling of the comb on his hair, scratching his scalp lightly, and the feeling of the warm air moving around him, warming him up. His eyes flutter close, and he feels all the energy he was keeping to push his brother away fleeing him into space.

Soon enough, the comb is replaced by calloused, rough, and yet so caring fingers, and Hux needs to cry all over again.

He remembers his mother doing this to him when he was a child. He remember her caring words and gentle touches, and somehow at that exact moment, Philip is able to recreate that exact feeling.

Armitage feels so vulnerable like that. It feels so incredible, and nothing so amazing can last very long.

He is dreaming. He has to be. He feels warm, comfortable and weak and he doesn’t mind it. It can’t be real. He is probably laying down on the streets in front of the supermarket, passed out in the rain.

None of it can be real. Philip can’t be here and he can’t be _feeling_ so much.

He isn’t sure what time it is when he falls asleep.

But the air is still warm, he feels safe and someone is covering him with fluffy blankets. He doesn’t need anything else.

 

 

As he sleeps, he is sure he dreams about Philip calling someone.

He dreams that Philip is surprised.

He dreams that, by the morning, someone comes to his bed and watches over him next to his brother.

But he only wakes up way past four in the afternoon, he has a headache, has no idea of what day it is, and he kind of wants to die right there and then.

He doesn’t even has enough time to check who is in the chair next to the bed.

He just wants to erase that night from his head.

And never look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, one more chapter done. I am still unsure of how many chapters there will be, but who knows? Lol
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated, and see you in a few days!


	10. 06:00 am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm... gonna leave this one without a summary ;)

_“He woke up!”_

Hux growls at the sound, his head pounding. He tries to open his eyes, slowly, but the room around him is oh so bright and he can see black spots in his vision and he swears he is going to throw up _and_ pass out. However that works.

 _“Hux? Hux? H_ ux? Hux” he hears someone saying, and the voice is soft. Calm. Deep. He knows that voice.

That is _not_ Philip’s voice.

His eyes shoot open right away, and they focus on a particularly big black blur in front of his face.

As he stares, the vision becomes clearer, and in less than a minute, he is very, _very_ sure of who is standing in front of him.

And then… then he notices other five blurs a bit to the right.

“Philip” he growls, and the room becomes tense for a second. His vision clears completely, his head continues to pound, and Hux is sure he is going to have a stroke. He sees Philip swallowing thickly, and he is _glad_ he does so. “Get everyone out of this room so we can have a little… _chat_ ”

The rest don’t take a second of hesitation to do as asked. The four people around the room flee outside and close the door, and Hux and Philip are left alone inside the room.

“I can explain” Philip begins, but Hux waves his hand, making the man shut up.

“Not another sound. Find me headache pills, and _strong_ ones before I explode” he says, firmly, and Philip nods. Suddenly, with his eyes wide and his appearance stiff as he rushes around the room, he looks exactly like the little boy that used to get scared of Hux when they were babies and he lost some toy.

After only a minute, he returns with a bottle of water and two headache pills.

“You are lucky I have migraines usually” Philip says, trying to light up the mood. Hux looks up at him.

“You are lucky I have a headache, or else you would be dead by now” he says, so deadly serious that Philip doesn’t even try a smile. He takes the pills and drinks basically the whole bottle before throwing it away and laying down again, eyes closed. “What did you do?”

“Seems fairly obvious, don’t you think?”

“I don’t care. I want all the details. Everyone you spoke to, what they said and why they are here” he says, angrily, and after a few seconds, Philip sighs and sits down on the bed. Hux can feel the bed moving.

“Very well… in all details…”

 

 

_When Armitage finally fell asleep, Philip hummed to himself, looking around. He put the hairdryer away and slowly placed his big brother on the bed next to himself, covering him with a blanket and standing up. He organized the room, the bathroom, and cleaned all dirt before looking over at Armie again._

_He seemed so old… with bags under his eyes, bony cheeks and so many lines. His skin was pale, hair was decaying… he was a mess. A true mess._

_He had never seen his brother in such a condition._

_So, he decided to call around. After all, it was already almost 6 am and people didn’t usually wake up too late to go to work._

_First, he called Armie’s office. The secretary, who was surprisingly welcoming, told him that his brother hadn’t attended work for more than a week. He then asked her Arie’s closest contacts, and hummed as he decided to call Phasma first._

_And the least he could say, she wasn’t very… happy._

_“Yes?!” she answered, rudely, and Philip winced. Seemed to be his brother’s type of person._

_“um… hello. Phasma, correct?” he asked, politely, and she let out a loud huff._

_“Yes, it is her. What do you want and who are you?”_

_“My name is Philip Hux, and I am Armitage’s brother”_

_A pause._

_“Armitage?”_

_Philip frowned deeply and then hummed._

_“Andrew? Is that as you call him?”_

_Phasma let out a loud gasp and then a sigh of relief._

_“Andrew Hux? Yes that is my friend! The same shitty friend that is making me worry about him constantly! What do you know about him?”_

_“He is here with me” he said, and she let out another sigh of relief._

_“Where? I want to talk to that son of a bitch myself!”_

_“no, no, he had… a rough night” he tried, but she gasped in denial._

_“he had a rough night?! I went to look for him everywhere in morning! I even hit his door enough that it broke!” she said, and Philip frowned. “It was on propose. He hasn’t left his house for three days”_

_“Hadn’t. he left last night to go to the market and I found him there. He is safe now, with me. But I wanted to know if you wanted to come over. So he can wake up with you next to him” he said, smiling, and she stopped, before she snorted._

_“Are we talking about the same Hux?”_

_“yes… I am sure”_

_“Oh okay because my Hux hates feeling celebrations”_

_Philip looked down at his brother and hummed._

_“Well, he isn’t the one organizing this meeting. Call everyone else you know he likes or that likes him. I will call some kind of… Kylo Ren”_

_Phasma hummed softly, and then confirmed it._

_“Alright. But be careful with Ren”_

_And then she turned off._

_Philip was confused, but pleased. He reached for the other phone noted on a small paper, and called it, biting his lip. He was… nervous, to say the least._

_“Yes?”_

_The voice, so deep and mysterious and a bit nosy, made a shiver run down Philip’s spine._

_He was never really good with… people. Unfriendly people, at least._

_“Um hello, here is Philip Hux speaking” he said, biting his lip a bit harder. A moment of silence, and then a hum._

_“What do you want?” he asked, now his voice darker, impatient._

_“I… well, I found my brother, Andrew Hux, yesterday, in front of a supermarket, and I was wondering if you wanted to come and… visit him” he said, and the silence was so, so deep between them._

_“Does he… want to see me?” he asked, his voice a bit softer now, and Philip frowned._

_“Well, I don’t see why not. Phasma is coming too” he commented, and Kylo hummed._

_“Very well. I will be there shortly” he said, and then turned off the phone, making Philip stare down at it confused, but pleased._

 

“And so, Phasma called Rey, Poe and Finn. They were all worried” Philip finishes, looking as innocent as ever. Hux hates it.

“So you invited everyone I didn’t want to see after last night. Amazing” he says and rubs his temples. “Can you at least find me something to eat? I am starving”

“Sure, wait a second” he says quickly, and rushes around, giving Hux all the crackers the room offers. Hux opens them and stares to Philip as he eats.

“And what happened when they arrived?”

“Well…”

 

 

_Kylo arrived in less than fifteen minutes._

_“Where is he?” he asked, angrily, and Philip had never seen someone so big and scary looking so… weak, despite his voice tone and way of moving._

_“In the room. He is asleep. Try not to wake him, he fell asleep two hours ago”_

_Kylo nodded, and gave Philip one last check up before heading inside. Philip noticed the black circles under his eyes, how tired he seemed. It looked like someone else hadn’t slept a lot these days._

_He followed as the guy entered the room, his steps becoming soft and light, his body changing its ways to appear less threatening, smaller, sweeter._

_He sat on the chair next to the bed, and watched Armitage for a few seconds._

_Then, he reached up, and Philip almost had a heart attack. But then, Kylo slid his fingers through Armie’s hair, gently, and whispered something Philip couldn’t hear._

_His brother seemed to move into the touch, mumbling something back, and Philip smiled, knowingly. Something was going on between them, so he left the room, deciding to leave Kylo alone with Armitage._

_He waited in the living room, watching TV. It took Phasma another hour to arrive, but fifteen minutes later his arrival, Kylo walked to the living room and sat on the other couch, away from Philip._

_“You are his brother then” Kylo begun, and Philip hummed._

_“And you are his boyfriend”_

_Kylo almost choked on air._

_“I am not his boyfriend!” he said, quickly, and Philip felt his cheeks reddening._

_“Oh sorry sorry” he mumbled and looked away. “you were just so intimate that…”_

_“Yes. But your brother doesn’t feel the same way I do” he said, and Philip frowned deeply._

_“What?”_

_“I… I care for him, but he doesn’t care for me. I will just have to move on, I guess” he mumbled, and Philip bit his lip._

_“Why are you giving up on him?” he asked, brokenly, and Kylo looked at him, surprised. Philip felt it hurt him deep into his heart. “Why are you giving up on my brother?”_

_“I… I am not! He is the one that gave up on us!” he said, and then looked away, frowning. “He doesn’t want me”_

_“You never know. He is unpredictable, but inside, he actually cares so much” Philip said, and looked away. “He… he always did everything for me. So I could have a better life. He sacrificed his childhood, the love of our parents, his life, his love, to give me a chance to be me” he mumbled, and bit his lip. “I didn’t understand him at the time. I thought he was killing himself slowly for no reason. But he had a reason. And now that I have my own children, I… I understand. He became an adult too soon and I regret not helping. But you can’t give up!” he said, and Kylo blinked at him as he turned around again. “You need to help me get him back to a normal way of living!”_

_“You… are very weird” Kylo said, tilting his head, and Philip blushed before chuckling softly._

_“Oh sorry… I got over myself again… I am just a hopeless romantic” he mumbled and sighed. “you two are probably not even together that much time…”_

_“No, we really haven’t. We have slept together three or four times in the last year and a half” he said, and Philip’s eyes widened._

_“An year and a half?!” he asked, eyes wide, and Kylo frowned._

_“We aren’t dating or anything…” he mumbled, but Philip wasn’t listening._

_“he likes you. He surely does. Man he must love you!” he said, and grinned widely “Oh I can’t wait for him to wake up”_

Hux raises his eyebrow, and Philip blushes again.

“Maybe I should… I should’ve left that part for later…” he mumbles, and Hux hums.

“you swear?” he asks, sarcastically, and Philip winces.

“Armie, I j-”

“call me Hux!” he said, loudly, and then groaned at the pain.”Hux. That is what they call me and what you must call me”

“I won’t call you Hux! And you need to talk to them, they are your friends, they care about you!” he complains, loudly, and Hux groans, rubbing his face.

“I’m going home” he says, determined, and stands up, not caring that he is wearing pajamas. He walks to the door, being followed by a distressed Philip, and opens it up to see all of the five people he least wanted to see right in front of him.

“Hux…” Phasma starts, but he waves her off.

“Don’t start it. I don’t want to talk to you” he says, coldly, and walks past the group, pushing whoever is in front of him away. “To any of you. I am going back to my house and stay there until I want to leave.”

“Oh no” Phasma growls and grabs his hand, turning him around. Hux wants to slap her face but he just stares angrily. “You are not locking yourself inside again. You are going to stay here and talk to us and solve your problems like the man you are”

“Oh fuck you Phasma” he says, and suddenly all the feelings kept inside for so long are freed to wonder around him. He remembers how he used to see her as a friend, but  only when they drank whine and complained about the company. He remembered a time when he would dwell on her eyes and how blue they were. He would analyze her every move, and wonder why, how.

He would do it with everyone. With Rey, who stares at him like he is broken to pieces. With Finn, who seems to be fighting with himself to feel sad for Hux. With Poe, who despite hating Hux, is still here, waiting patiently.

He would do it with _Ren_ , but now…

Now he has changed. And he wants to fuck everyone up.

“Fuck me?! I wasn’t the one that locked himself into his flat without talking to anyone, explaining anything!” she complains, and he looks down at her hand holding his, before he pulls his arm to hard she almost falls over him. “What the hell Hux?!”

“What the hell?! The _hell_ is that _everyone_ wants to control _my_ life and I am _letting_ everyone control my life! For more than a lifetime I haven’t made choices for myself and you complained and complained and complained that I needed to _live_ and _act as I wanted_ but now that I am making decisions, you want me to _listen_?!” he asks, and Phasma finally, finally shuts up.

He is so glad that at last, everyone around him _shuts up_.

“You know what all of you should do? Go _fuck yourselves_ for all I care! You shouldn’t even have brought my _ex_ employee and his _boyfriend_ over here, who says your _girlfriend_ , because the three of them have nothing to do with what is happening and they know me from a _party_. _You_ , as a _good friend_ , shouldn’t have come because you would know I wouldn’t want you here. And _you_ …” Hux breathes, turning to face Ren, his entire body burning in rage. Ren even steps back, staring back at Hux. “ _You_ should find a hole to hide in before I _break your neck_ ”

“Armitage, stop it!” Philip says, distressed, and Hux growls, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him closer.

“Do you know what I want to do with you, Philip? I want to punch your pretty face, because all of this is your fault and you couldn’t just stay home and have a nice vacation with your family. No. You _had_ to come here and play the _good brother_.”

“Hux, _enough_ ”

Hux freezes.

The burning rage only turns even hotter.

He lets go of Philip, and turns to Ren so slowly that he is sure his life is in slow motion right now.

Ren’s eyes show worry. But he doesn’t give a _shit_.

“You know this isn’t his fault”

Hux hums. His muscles relax. His blood is still boiling, his headache is exploding his head, but he doesn’t care. Now, ren seems embarrassed. But he is staring at Hux with a determined expression.

“Oh, I know” he says, in response, and Ren tenses. “It is yours. I am aware”

Ren flinches ever so slightly, and Hux guesses he must really look _frightening_ in his brother’s pajamas.

“Can we… talk about it?” he asks, and Hux hums. He tilts his head, pretending to think, and then looks back at Ren.

“About how you love me? Sure, go ahead”

He listens a soft gasp coming from behind him, and he rolls his eyes at Phasma’s girlfriend. Ren seems bothered, but doesn’t let it through.

“Yes. About how I am in love with you, Armitage”

Hux’s eyes widen.

Philip hisses behind him.

“N-no” he whines softly and Hux sees red. Ren is quick to realize his mistake, but stands in place, even when Hux marches towards him, grabs his collar and presses him against the wall, growling.

“Don’t you _dare_ call me _that_ ” he growls, their noses touching as Hux holds his shirt so tight. He is so close to choking Ren. So, so close. His fingers are aching to hold his neck and suffocate him to death. He feels his heartbeat quickening at the thought of seeing the lights in Ren’s eyes disappearing as he dies. And he is sure that Ren can hear his thoughts and imagine all scenarios with him, but his eyes are calm and serene.

He doesn’t say anything. He tilts his head to the side and with the smallest lean forward, their lips brush together.

And Hux’s world blanks for a second.

 _“I love you”_ Ren whispers against his lips, and Hux’s hands weaken their hold. His legs tremble. His eyelids close, his brain becomes blank, his blood goes from boiling to freezing, he feels cold everywhere, his stomach turns so hard he feels like throwing up.

Ren presses their foreheads together, and why suddenly everyone is gone? Why suddenly everything is white? Why is it so cold around them? Why Ren feels so warm? What is happening?

It’s just too much, and Hux doesn’t feel his father’s clock on his wrist. He is somewhere else entirely and he has no grip onto reality.

So, he lets his head fall to Kylo’s chest and he sobs, out and clear, his breath escaping him, his heartbeat fastening, his body trembling and shaking, and he doesn’t know what is happening.

Strong arms wrap around him and slowly they sink to the floor, with a soft voice whispering words in his ear. He tries to breathe, but he can’t, so he grips onto Kylo, trying to hold onto _something_ that links him to the real world.

He only knows he is in a panic attack because he hears someone saying it behind him, before he passes out again.

 

_“What time is it?”_

_“05:12 pm. Why?”_

_“Hux would like to know… if he was awake”_

_07:55 pm_

_Time to wake up._

_10:27 pm_

_Wake up._

_00:08 am_

_Hux please._

_04:00 am_

_I love you._

_06:00 am_

**_Wake up._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very proud of this chapter omg very intense. I hope you guys like it.
> 
> I don't think the fic is too far away from ending. Next chapter will be a dream chapter, and then I think there will be 2 more and it's done lol
> 
> As usual, kudos and comments are appreciated! Thanks!


	11. Truth or Death

When he opens his eyes, all he sees is white.

Hux frowns softly, trying to understand it. He looks from one side to the other, before turning around. He gasps, jumping backwards at the sight.

“Nathan..?”

The man shrugs.

Hux growls.

“What are we doing here? Why are you here? What is here?” he asks, unsure of which answer he wants first. Nathan just smirks.

“this? Is your mind. Subconscious. This is a dream”

Hux lets out a chuckle.

“A dream? Wonderful. Now I know when I’m dreaming or not” he says, crossing his arms, and Nathan raises his eyebrow.

“Well, it is the logical conclusion, since I am currently living happily with a family of three and we are in a white room with no doors, no windows, no lights, and alone” he says, and Hux’s arms fall to his sides as he notices it all. “Also, just to be clear, I don’t have any powers. This is your imagination me, not the real me. The real me is out there, living the dream”

“Thanks for the input” he mumbles, biting his lip, one arm moving up to rub the other. He looks away, thinking. Or trying to. “you know why we are here?”

“No idea. I know you are in some type of induced comma or whatever. Basically you are out and we are having a conversation inside your head” Nathan says, and tilts his head as Hux looks up. “You don’t love me anymore”

“Of course not” he mumbles. Nathan frowns.

“Then why are you hurting?”

“How do you know?”

Nathan chuckles.

“We are inside your head. I am your imagination of Nathan. I feel everything you feel, and know everything you think” he says, and Hux bites his lip again. Nathan’s eyes widen. “Oh”

“I don’t love you anymore” Hux mumbles, and looks down. Nathan chuckles again.

“No you don’t. I can see that. And also why” he says, and Hux shrugs. “You seem so calm in here. It is not usual to see you like this”

“Maybe I am just… tired of fighting” he says, and then sighs, letting his body down to the floor. He sits, and after a few seconds, Nathan sits in front of him. “I’m tired of being this mess”

“Doesn’t look like a mess to me” he says, and looks around. Hux accompanies the movement. “It’s very clean. White. Clear.”

“It’s vacant. Of thought, of emotion, of will… wisdom…” he mumbles, and hugs his knees. Nathan looks at him, worried.

“It isn’t. Truly. You just keep hiding it all away” he says, and reaches out for him. Hux stares at the hand. “Come with me. I can show you around”

“I don’t want to see it” he mumbles, but Nathan moves forward a bit more.

“Come with me” he says, again, and Hux sighs before taking his hand.

Slowly, they stand up, and Hux looks around as Nathan starts to guide him through the white room.

“You hide beautiful things behind your perfect walls” Nathan continues, and Hux frowns. “You hide the perfect imperfections behind neat cement. You forget about the colors you are, thinking the world is made of white, black and grey” he looks at Hux, before slowly touching one of the white walls.

It crumbles against his finger, and Hux stares as the white fades away, showing a beach.

The sky is blue. The sun shines bright. The water is green, transparent, the sand is fluffy and warm. The sound of the breeze, the moving of the waves, the trees in the distance…

Hux walks forward, amazed, and steps on the sand. It tickles his feet. He has never been to a beach before. He is unsure of how it feels. But in his dream it seems so real. Just like he imagined.

“It’s beautiful…” he whispers, and Nathan nods in the corner of his eye.

“It is. This is what you paint. Part of it, at least” he says, stepping forward as well. “And then, you cut it off from yourself, as if it isn’t your own thoughts and emotions into it”

Hux stops in front of the water, and frowns.

“It can’t be. I don’t have memories of it. I have never been to a beach before” he whispers, and Nathan chuckles.

“Memories don’t have to be real to be meaningful” he whispers, and suddenly, Hux listens to someone laughing. He turns his head, confused, and miles, miles away into the beach, he sees it.

Two kids. Two boys. Making sand castles. Running after a ball. With two adults behind them, laying on beach chairs.

He doesn’t see their faces, he can’t at the distance, but he knows who they are.

“This is my dream…” he whispers, shakily, and Nathan comes closer.

“It is. That is you, Philip, your mom and your dad. Living the life you dreamed to live. Where they took you to the beach, they read to you bedtime stories and hugged you when you were upset”

Hux blinks slowly, feeling tears filling up his eyes. He wipes them away quickly, but the aching in his chest doesn’t stop.

Nathan takes his hand, and guides him back, and slowly the wall returns to place and all those beautiful made up memories fade away.

“I… I want to go back” Hux breathes out, and Nathan shakes his head.

“You can’t. If you do, you will be stuck here forever, and it isn’t your time to die yet” he says, and Hux turns to him, eyes wide.

“There is nothing for me out there! I want to stay!” he says, desperate, and Nathan hums.

“Nothing?” he asks, and raises his eyebrow. Then, he nods to the wall behind them.

Hux frowns and turns around, seeing another white wall. Nathan steps closer, and touches the wall, and it comes crumbling down again.

In front of them, there is the windowsill of a coffee shop. They are inside. Outside, it is dark, the streetlights are on, and it is raining heavily.

Nathan pushes Hux forward, gently, and he steps in. He turns around in time to see Nathan stepping away and the white room disappearing to become the rest of the coffee shop.

Hux is confused. He turns around, looking, and he sees unfamiliar faces. He looks into a mirror, but he has no reflection. He looks around for a clock, but there is none.

He is in a dream. But it doesn’t make sense.

“Sir?” a waiter asks. They have a familiar face, but he can’t pinpoint who it belongs too. “Why don’t you sit down?”

He nods, a bit shaken, and walks forward, sitting on the windowsill, staring outside as the waiter places his coffee in front of him.

He looks down at it. Vanilla latte. He loves it, and yet he rarely orders it.

What does this has to do with what awaits him outside, in the real world?

He takes his coffee and sips on it, trying to make sense of it all, but he can’t. Of course he can’t. He is sleeping. He shouldn’t even be able to make so many changes, to know so much about it. And yet, he does.

If he believed in God, or any divinity of any kind, he would say this is their sign. He doesn’t, so he tries to find a logical explanation for it all.

He sips on his coffee, and it tastes exactly like the original.

He looks up to see a shadow passing by the shop, right in front of him. His heart quickens.  He turns around, trying to find it. Someone walks inside, and he freezes. Is this a nightmare of some kind?

The shadowy figure is inside. He can see it. He tries to stand, but he is glued to his spot. People around him don’t seem to notice what is happening. He leans back, as if it would stop the figure from coming closer. It doesn’t. It comes, a hood covering its face.

It stops in front of Hux, and he wants to run, but he can’t.

His heart is beating in his throat.

And it pulls the hood off.

…

His fear becomes annoyance immediately.

“Ren”

Ren has his body entirely soaked in water, but his face and hair are dry. He stares down at Hux, breathing hard, cheeks pink, and Hux tilts his head, reaching for his coffee and sipping on it.

Suddenly, he forgets the reason of that room.

“Hux” he breathes out, and looks down at him, eyes wide. “I’m sorry. Please, please forgive me”

“Forgive you? For what?” he asks, raising his eyebrow, but Ren looks way too distressed.

“I didn’t mean to say it, I…”

“I don’t care. You said you loved me, and it’s done” he says, and stands up, easily now. He throws the coffee into the bin next to him and pushes Ren away with one hand. “I don’t want to talk”

“Hux…” he mumbles behind him, but hux just grabs his umbrella, that he was certain he did not bring, and heads towards the door. “Hux wait!”

“I don’t want to talk to you” he repeats, and continues walking. People keep not staring. It’s like they aren’t even there. Ren follows, and it is starting to get annoying. “Ren, leave me alone, will you?”

He opens his umbrella and walks out. The rain is pouring like a waterfall. He has never seen it rain so hard in London.

He gives one step towards the left street, and someone grabs his wrist.

“No” he listens, before he is turned around against his will. The wrist being hold is the one with the umbrella, so it goes down to the floor and the rain starts to pour over Hux.

“What the fuck Ren?!” he asks, angrily, but before he can make any other commentary, or try to move away, Ren presses him against the wall of the restaurant. The rain is still pouring. Hux is soaked, his hair over his face, sticking to it. Ren’s is worst, because his hair is longer.

Hux loses his breath, Ren’s body warm and solid against his. He holds both of his wrists now, against the wall, the umbrella forgetting in the middle of the sideway.

“I won’t leave you alone, Hux” Ren says, and Hux loses his breath again. The rain is so strong. Ren staring right into his eyes, so warm and determined and soft. “Not now”

“Why?” he asks, loudly, over the rain. “I only treat you like shit. I use you and then I throw you away. I am annoying, boring and a mess. Why do you insist in running after me?”

“Because I love you!” Ren says, loudly as well, over the rain and over hux’s own thoughts. He can see tears in Ren’s eyes, mixing up with the rain sliding down his hair. He leans down closer, resting their foreheads together, noses brushing ever so slightly, and closes his eyes, the tears sliding down slowly over his cheeks. “ _I love you, Armitage Hux_ …”

_I won’t hurt you._

_I will care for you._

_I will hold you._

_I will love you._

_Just please._

_Please._

_Let me._

**_Let you._ **

Hux opens his eyes again, not realizing he had closed them in the first place, and suddenly he is back on the white room, dry, and this time, alone.

So alone.

“You are not alone”

The voice isn’t Nathan’s this time.

He turns around quickly, and Kylo is there. Wearing his black shirt, black coat, black scarf, black jeans and black shoes.

Just like the day they first met.

He has his hands in his pockets, he is leaning on his left leg, his head is tilted to the side, and Hux can only stare.

“I can’t” he says right away, the words suffocating him, tied in his throat. Kylo stares.

“Yes you can. But you don’t want to”

It feels worst than a slap in the face.

“you are right. I don’t want to” he says, and looks away. “I’m sorry…”

“I don’t forgive you” he says, and Hux snaps his head up. “I am not Kylo. You know I’m not. I am just a facet of what you imagine him to be. But I am nothing more than a part of you. And believe me, you don’t forgive yourself.”

Hux frowns, and then holds his head.

“This is too meta for me” he groans and Kylo chuckles.

“Is it? It is your fault. That’s how your brain works” he says, and tilts his head to the other side. “Instead of you deciding things for yourself, you make people up so they can control you. And that is why you can’t love him”

Hux blinks.

“What?”

“You can’t love Ren” Kylo specifies. “You can’t love him, because he wants you to be you. And you don’t know who you are”

Hux feels like this is too much.

“Stop” he says, softly, because it hurts, to have so many things thrown at his face so quickly. Kylo chuckles.

“I won’t stop, because you don’t want me to. This is the Ren you want” he says, and Hux winces. “you want someone to control you. Like your father did. Like Nathan did. Like Snoke and Phasma do. Someone to punish you for your mistakes, someone to demand you to let go of your comfort zone, someone to tell you exactly what to do, and someone to love you for what you can be but hate you for who you are. That’s how you see them, isn’t it?”

“Stop, _please_ ” he begs this time, breathless, and Kylo steps forward, making himself bigger, intimidating.

“This is what you want from him. Someone to rule over you, to make your decisions for you, and not judge you about it. But that is not what he will do” he says, and Hux curls up as Kylo grows and grows in size. “No. He will care for you. Love you. For you. He won’t make you work. And he won’t make you forget work to be with him. He won’t make you paint, but he won’t complain when you want him as your muse. He will give you suggestions, hoping you follow them, but demanding them. He will go out with you, not because he pities you, but because he likes your company” he continues, and Hux falls to the ground, looking at his hands as Kylo continues to grow and grow beyond what he thought was the ceiling of the room. Or maybe Hux is the one becoming small. He doesn’t know.

“ _Stop_ ” he whimpers, tears falling from his eyes, and Kylo stops growing, or he stops shrinking. He looks up, shakily, and Kylo leans down, face close to Hux.

“But how will he love someone who is nothing but what people demand of them? How will he love _you_ , when you are nothing more than facets of _people around you_?

“Who are you, Hux?

“Who _are_ you?

“ _Who are you, Armitage Andrew Hux?_ ”

“ _Nothing_ ” he breathes out, and covers his face, his head, himself. “ _I’m nothing…_ ”

“You are **nothing** ” he says, but it isn’t Kylo anymore. He looks up, eyes wide, and it is now his father, leaning over him, giant and staring down at him like he is a worm. “ **Nothing** ”

He lifts his foot, and it comes crashing down over Hux.

And everything is black. Black and pain.

 

 

_“What is happening?!”_

_“Sir, you need to get out of the room”_

_“I won’t get out until someone tells me what the fuck is going on!”_

_“Mister Solo, please-”_

_“We are losing him! Defibrillators! Now!”_

_“W-what?! H-Hux!”_

_“Guards, take this man out of here”_

_“No no NO! NO! HUX! HUX!”_

_“One, two, three, clear!”_

_“HUX!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking love this chapter. Holy shit. Holy mother fucking shit.
> 
> Comments and kudos are appreciated. Thanks!


	12. Come over

_“He’s not going to die, is he?!”_

_“He isn’t in any condition of risk. We were able to reanimate the heart, and he has no disease apart from the lack of nutrients. It is nothing he should be in coma for, and yet, there he is. We will run some more tests, neurological ones now, but for now, there is nothing we can do”_

_“… Thank you doctor”_

_“You are welcome, mister Solo. Now, if you excuse me”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“Hux?”_

_“…”_

_“Wake up?”_

_“…”_

_“P-please?”_

_“…”_

_“Your brother is… is worried…”_

_“…”_

_“Phasma can’t sleep…”_

_“…”_

_“Snoke is… deeply irritable…”_

_“…”_

_“And I…”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“Please… come back…”_

_“…”_

_“P-please…”_

 

_“Go home”_

_“I don’t want and I won’t leave him”_

_“It is your fault he is like this! Go home!”_

_“… shut up, Phasma”_

_“Ren. Get the fuck out of here”_

_“…”_

_“Go take a shower, sleep, and then come back. You need a moment of rest. Come on. I will take you to the door”_

_“…”_

_“Come on”_

_“… I will be back Hux. I promise”_

_Silence._

_Silence._

_Silence._

_Finally._

 

Hux gasps as he wakes up, body flying forward as he holds tight onto his chest. His vision is blurry, but quickly there is a hand on his shoulder.

“Armie!” he hears, and turns his head, the blurry image taking the form of Philip. “You are awake! Holy shit, I thought-”

“Shut up” he says, breathless, and Philip does, eyes wide, scared. “Tell the nurses I don’t want anyone coming in here.”

“B-but…”

“Now Philip! Only you can stay inside!” he says, loudly, heartbeats going wild, and Philip nods quickly.

“Yes, yes, calm down” he says, and calls the nurse. Hux breathes slowly again, and as soon as the nurse arrives, Philip asks her not to let anyone in.

“But… who is anyone?” she asks, and looks at Hux, who looks back.

“Anyone. Only nurses, doctors and my brother can come inside”

She nods slowly and hums.

“I will be right back”

Philip looks at Hux worriedly, but keeps quiet.

Wonderful.

 

 

“You were… waiting?” Philip asks, eyes wide. Hux simply nods, sipping on his tea. “I can’t believe you can actually do that?!”

“Well… I didn’t know either, but apparently…” he says, and sips some more. “Anyway. As soon as I’m better, I’m heading home”

“you… you really aren’t going to talk to Ren about anything, are you?” he asks, and Hux looks at Philip slowly, a sly smirk curling up on his face.

“I will talk in a way we both understand, don’t worry. I just don’t want to be bothered while I do some… adjustments.”

Philip’s eyes widen even more and they glisten.

“What are you going to do?”

Hux laughs and sips on his tea.

“If it works, you will never find out”

And Philip laughs next to him.

 

 

“He kept saying the time, you know?” Philip says as they make their way out of the hospital. It is a new day, and the sun shines bright. It warms Hux’s face in a pleasant way.

He turns to Philip, raising an eyebrow.

“I am aware. I could hear him speaking” he says, and Philip smiles.

“You really seem like another person Armie… what happened while you were in coma?” he asks, curious, frowning, and Hux chuckles, shrugging to himself.

“I can’t really explain… but I… finally understood some things” he says, and winks to Philip, who lets his mouth fall down to his chin. Hux laughs.

“Come on. I don’t want to meet anyone in the way. I have stuff to do”

And quickly, Philip turns on the engine of his car and both of them leave the hospital towards Hux’s flat.

 

 

“Call me if you need anything!”

“I will” Hux says, watching as Philip drives off. He hums, and opens the door to his flat, walking inside and locking it up.

The place is a mess.

He sighs, walking towards the kitchen and taking his father’s clock from the drawer. He stares at it for some seconds before sliding it on his wrist, and locking it in place.

 

12:33 pm

Clean flat.

 

He smiles, pleased, and goes to it.

First, he removes all papers, paints, brushes and canvas and puts them all away and throws out what cannot be used anymore. He makes sure to look one by one, to make sure they are still good, and the rest goes inside a trash bin outside.

Then, he checks cleans the floor, completely filled with splashes of dry paint. He rubs, scratches and washes the floor one, two, three, four times, until everything is clean and back at its usual state.

After that, he looks inside his closet, smiling to himself when he sees exactly what he thought he would. Two cans of green paint, exact the same color of his walls. He takes them out, and puts them in a corner.

He goes to his room, and stops. He looks at his desk, and before doing anything else, he walks towards it. He opens the drawer slowly, and looks down at the fixed, no more broken puzzle piece necklace.

He takes it into his hand, and then slowly puts it on his neck.

He smiles. It feels good.

He turns to his closet and grabs some old clothes he is sure he can get dirty. He changes, taking out the clothes his brother found him while he was in the hospital and putting the old ones, ready to paint his house back to what it was.

Then, he walks out of the house, and heads towards a small store down the street.

“I want every single newspaper you have”

And the man sells it all to him.

Hux returns to his house, holding the bags of newspapers, and locks the door behind him. Then,  he starts to spread the newspapers over the floor, moving the furniture to the center of the room so they wouldn’t get dirty.

Only when everything is done, the floor is covered and the paint is open, he begins to pain over the splashes of paint he had left in his little… episode.

He uses a small aluminum staircase to reach the upper corners of the walls, and slowly he is covering all his madness in the same boring green as ever. He has never felt more pleased.

It takes him a few hours, but soon enough everything is where he wants it to be. The walls are green again, the floor is clean and covered with newspapers, the furniture is pushed somewhere where they don’t bother but also don’t touch the fresh paint, all the mugs in the kitchen are clean and drying, he has an excellent wine in the fridge, cooling down, there is food coming over from his favorite restaurant, and now he has two hours to take a long shower, put on some nicer clothes and wait.

That’s all he needs.

To wait.

 

 

08:21 pm

Take a shower. A _long_ , _warm_ shower.

 

He undresses, turns the water on in the warmest setting, and waits. He waits until the room is moist, warm and foggy. Then, he enters the box.

He gets under the water, and as he closes his eyes, all he sees is black. And he is glad he does. He doesn’t float, he doesn’t fly, he doesn’t travel away from his reality. He feels the tiles under his feet, he feels the warm water on his face and body, and he is solid.

He washes his hair, and then himself as meticulously as he can. He is clean, shaved, and all in all content. The clock and the necklace lay comfortable on his wet body as he steps out of the box, reaching for his towel and wrapping himself in it.

Hux ties it around his waist and leans down, reaching under the sink for the dusty hairdryer. He pulls it out, cleans it with a dry towel, plugs it in and goes right to it.

He dries his hair, and it feels incredible.

Besides his hair, he feels his shoulders drying, his face, and everything is very warm and comfortable. His eyes are closed in bliss and he takes his time, moving the dryer around randomly, trying to dry everything and nothing at the same time.

It takes him half an hour, and then he is done. He puts the dryer down and heads outside to his room. His body is almost dry by the time he leaves the bathroom, barely humid because of the fog. The room outside the bathroom is cold, and he likes the contrast.

He goes to the closet, grabbing a button up, loose shirt. Then, he grabs one of his pants, a brown one. He takes his black boxers, as usual, and then reaches for his suspenders.

He hasn’t wore them in… years. Suddenly, they feel relevant.

If something goes slightly different than what he planned, the suspenders won’t be relevant.

He dries himself and then starts to dress up. He pulls on the boxers, then the shirt, then the pants, tucking the shirt inside the pants. Last, he puts on the suspenders, humming as their redness shows off in contrast to the beige of his shirt.

He feels very, very comfortable.

He looks down at his clock.

 

09:33 pm.

Call him.

 

Hux nods to himself, and reaches for his phone.

He chooses against calling.

 

09:33 pm

Text him.

 

And he does.

It is a simple text.

_‘Come over’_

He gets a simple answer.

_‘On my way’_

And he smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm too excited and the story is coming to an end.
> 
> I'm shook
> 
> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.


	13. It's only twelve thirty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's only twelve thirty.
> 
> We have the rest of our lives.

_‘I’m here’_

Hux looks down at his phone from where he is sitting on his couch.

Then, he looks at the clock.

 

09:59 pm

 

He was quick.

_‘Food is here too’_

Hux hums and smiles.

This is wonderful.

He stands up, walking to the door and opening it up with his credit card on his hand.

He stares down at the two men on his door.

“Kylo, go inside please as I pay the food” he says, and Kylo stares at him for a long moment before nodding and walking inside. Hux walks down the stairs and takes the food in his hands while giving his card to the man.

“300 Libra. Credit or debit?” the man asks, and Hux hums.

“Credit. Thank you”

The man nods and puts the amount of money in the machine before handing it to Hux. He dials his password and then gives it back, taking his card and nodding.

“have a good night” the man says, and he nods.

“Same to you, sir” he agrees, before turning around and heading inside.

He locks the door behind himself, and Kylo is standing in the middle of the living room, looking uncomfortable.

“So…” he starts, but Hux shakes his head.

“Sit down, please. We are going to have dinner” he says, and Kylo nods slowly, confused, before sitting down, crossing his legs. Hux places the food on the floor and heads to the kitchen, grabbing two glasses of wine, the wine itself, a lighter and his cigarettes.

He returns, and sits in front of Kylo, leaving only enough space for the food.

Kylo stares at him as he does everything, not saying anything nor moving a muscle. Slowly, Hux removes the several plates of food from the plastic bags, placing them all around them. There are canapés of all kinds, and the most expensive ones. With caviar, with eatable gold, and so on. Hux hums, pleased, and then opens the wine, serving both of them and handing Kylo his glass.

When he looks up at his guest, Kylo is blushing, but accepts the glass anyway.

“I thought we were just going to… talk” he says, and Hux raises an eyebrow. “I am way too… badly dressed for this occasion” he looks down at himself, at his black darth vader shirt and sweatpants of the same color.

Hux feels his heart skipping a beat but maintains his face expressionless.

“Well, it is my fault since I didn’t tell you we were going to dine” he says, and Kylo looks up. “But if it serves of any consolation, you won’t be wearing clothes for a long time”

Kylo hums and looks at Hux before narrowing his eyes.

“Hux. I came here to talk. About what happened. Not to fuck” he says, firmly, determined. Hux nods.

“I am aware. However, I thought it was more appropriated for us to talk in a language I am more comfortable with” he says, and Kylo frowns deeply.

“What are you planning?”

“You will see, if you cooperate”

Kylo groans and looks down at his food, grabbing one of the canapés and throwing it into his mouth.

Hux suppresses his smile, but it still reaches his eyes.

 

 

They are in their second glass of wine when Kylo decides to restart the conversation.

Hux had expected it to be sooner.

“I thought you were going to die” he whispers, and Hux looks at him, frowning. Kylo keeps looking down at his glass of wine, twirling the liquid inside of it. “Especially after the doctors didn’t let me inside anymore”

“They probably thought you would break my hand at how tight you were holding it” Hux teases, smirking, and Kylo looks up, eyes wide, surprised, cheeks pink.

“Wait… you… you felt that?” he asks, shakily, and Hux hummed, nodding. Kylo deflates. “But I thought… you couldn’t…”

“I could hear and feel everything you did around me” he says, and Kylo looks down immediately. Hux watches. “I heard you telling me the time”

They stay quiet.

“I thought you would appreciate it” Kylo whispers. “you are always looking down at your clock…”

Hux nods to himself, since Kylo is looking down.

“I appreciated it” he says, and Kylo looks up, just with his eyes. “Thank you”

Kylo nods in response, and then looks down at his glass. He sips on his wine, and Hux watches attentively.

Then, he puts the glass down, and sighs.

“Are you ever going to tell me anything?” he asks, and Hux tilts his head. Kylo sighs. “About the scars? The reason you carry this clock everywhere? The necklace you are wearing? Why you call yourself Andrew? Why we can’t call you Armitage? Why I’m here?” he asks, and Hux stares. “Will you tell me… something? Or you will keep me in the dark forever, coming to me when you want to and then slapping me away when you are done?”

Hux stares at him quietly and Kylo looks up. He seems tired. There are bags under his eyes, his hair is way too messy, his skin is pale, and he doesn’t look the same overall.

He seems very different. And so does Hux.

“I will tell you everything, tonight” he says, and Kylo perks up. “But at my time, in my pace, and in my way. You cannot rush me”

And he doesn’t.

But his eyes shine in curiosity and hope.

And Hux allows himself to smile for the moment.

 

 

They finish dinner and half of the wine bottle. Neither of them seem that keen on getting drunk out of their ass. Kylo is laughing a bit more, smiling a bit wider, and Hux can feel the constant twist on his stomach, which he can’t decide if it’s happiness or nervousness. He hopes it’s the former.

He gathers all the plates and puts them in the sink with Kylo’s help. Suddenly, they seem very domestic. Both are walking barefoot around the house, Kylo’s cheeks are constantly pink from the wine, Hux has already undone a few buttons from his shirt. They feel comfortable, despite the tension surrounding them.

The elephant is in the room, but even then, it doesn’t take much space. It is waiting, patiently, to be acknowledged.

Hux starts to wash the dishes, because now he knows whatever is happening inside his stomach is nervousness. He had been able to remain calm and collected, but now he feels the shivers down his spine. He could put everything to lose. Opening himself up and letting Kylo in could be his downfall.

But it was also his only hope for true freedom.

He is cleaning the last plate when Kylo approaches. Unlike any other time, Hux doesn’t feel his presence until he has placed his hands on Hux’s waist. It takes his breath away, and he opens his mouth to breathe in.

“We haven’t talked yet” he says, confused. His eyes close and his fingers grip on the plate and sponge. Kylo wraps his arms around his waist, and leans down to gently place his chin over Hux’s shoulder.

“I trust you not to make the wrong decisions” Kylo whispers, and his warm breath makes Hux relax. There should be something sexual and sensual about this. There isn’t. That is not what Hux feels. “I just… want to pretend. For a little bit. Before whatever you are planning”

“You will have much time to pretend” he answers right away, and smiles when he senses Kylo’s chest moving in a deep chuckle. He opens his eyes again, and returns to the dishes, while Kylo hugs him from behind, nuzzling on his neck.

Hux feels safe, somehow, and he takes way too long to clean a simple plate.

When he is done, he washes his hand and dries them before slowly turning around in Kylo’s embrace. He looks down at Hux, pulling away a bit, and Hux nods.

“To the living room” he says, softly, and Kylo steals a glance at his lips before pulling away completely and heading over. Hux feels so intoxicated by his presence, and it feels incredible. As he walks, he unbuttons his shirt completely, pulling it from under his pants, and heads to the furniture. Kylo stands in the middle of the living room again, confused, and curious.

“Are you going to paint? Should I undress?” he asks, and Hux smiles to himself, back turned to Kylo so he wouldn’t see.

“yes, please”

“Alright” he says, and sighs, and Hux starts to hear the fumbling of clothes. “But if this ends up meaning nothing I swear…”

“You swear?” he presses, grinning now.

“… Something” he says, and Hux chuckles.

“Sure” he nods and grabs his paints and brushes. No canvas.

Kylo is removing his pants when Hux turns around. He doesn’t realize Hus is staring, so he pulls off the boxers he is wearing as well and then folds it all and places them on the couch.

“Where should I sit? Or lay down?” he asks, looking up again, and Hux stares at him, taking him in.

He is one hundred percent sure he has never seen such a beautiful creature in his entire life.

“On the floor. If you may” he nods, and Kylo nods, laying down on the floor, clearly annoyed. He reaches for his pants to grab his phone. “No. Stay still”

He looks back at Hux, and his arms fall on his sides. He keeps staring.

Hux walks towards him, and kneels down, placing the paints and brushes down next to himself. And then, slowly, he reaches for his pack of cigarettes and his lighter.

He lights one up, and drags, before blowing up upwards, head tilted back.

It is a subtle move. But it has meaning. Kylo wants to know and he will know the truth, but not with words. Never with words. Because words mean nothing to Hux and he doesn’t fully understand them.

The tilt lets his neck exposed. It shows the necklace, falling over his chest, with the puzzle piece right in the middle. It also shows marks. Faded, weak, but surely there. They are hard to see in a passionate encounter. But the scars, they are there. They go from his neck, to his stomach, and he makes sure to show them.

He is looking at the ceiling as he blows the smoke away, but he is aware Kylo saw them. When he lowers his face and gaze again, Kylo’s eyes seem to be… understanding.

“You won’t say anything, will you?” he asks, and Hux is sure he gets it now.

“I will say what I have to say. The rest, it’s up to you” he answers, and Kylo nods. He is focused. His eyebrows are furrowed together and there are wrinkles between his eyes. He is thinking.

“Can I ask questions?” he tries, and Hux nods.

“Yes. Not always the answers will be verbal, but they will be there” he assures. Kylo seems plased.

“Where is your canvas?”

He seems curious.

Hux smirks.

“In front of me”

Kylo is surprised, breathless for a second, but that doesn’t stop Hux. He opens his paints and then sighs before moving over and straddling the man in front of him. Kylo keeps staring, as if it was all a joke, but when Hux sits down on his thighs, something clicks inside of him.

Hux places his cigarette inside his mouth and drags, keeping it in his mouth as he gathered his thoughts. He takes a thin, thin brush, and black paint, and decides to make an initial sketch. His eyes move towards Kylo’s face as he removes the excess from the brush, blowing smoke out of his mouth through the side that doesn’t have the cigar. Kylo is staring right back, hands now achingly close to Hux’s legs.

“May I touch you while you work?” he asks, and Hux nods. His hands go to Hux’s thighs right away, but stay there. Kylo wants to hold something. The moment is too intimate.

Hux hums to himself in thought and takes the brush, focusing now on Kylo’s chest, giving a tentative stroke of the brush over the left side, all the way to the right, just below his collarbones.

Kylo breathes shakily and he smirks.

It probably tickles.

The idea then comes to his mind and he reaches for a larger brush. He takes the black paint again, and drips the brush into it, sliding it across his chest, all the way down to his hips, and Kylo shivers under him.

Stroke after stroke the paint marks Kylo’s skin. His hands rest on Hux’s thighs, thumbs making circular movements, and his eyes don’t leave Hux’s face one second, but he is too focused to care. He leaves a round shaped corner free of black paint, and then reaches for a medium brush, and the warmest brown his has.

He slides the brush over that part, creating less than one fourth of a ball, but it is more than enough. He takes it slow, carefully, and then hum when  that part is finished.

“I have to wait until it dries a bit more” he says, and looks down at Kylo. He smiles.

“Don’t worry. We have the whole night” he replies, and his voice is warm, like his eyes. Hux doesn’t smile back, but his eyes do. “So… who gave the puzzle piece to you?”

“Nathan” he answers, letting go from his brush and throwing the smoked cigar away, reaching for a new one. Kylo stares at him. “My ex”

“Why are you wearing it?”

The answer doesn’t come. Not in words. Hux looks at Kylo and then at his hand, caressing his thighs. He watches Hux attentively, looking for the answer, and finds it in the way Hux slowly turns one of his rings around in his finger.

Or, at least, Hux thinks he does, because he doesn’t ask it anymore.

His fingers slide over Kylo’s arm, brushing gently over them, and he reaches for the green paint, suddenly. The brush is thin, and slowly he draws vines, going from Kylo’s wrist to his elbow. Then, he gets red, orange and purple paint, and starts to on the flowers.

He makes them colorful. That is only the right arm. Hux has much space to paint more.

He returns to the main painting when the arm is done, taking the white, blue and red paint. He grabs two brushes, one to keep still and the other with the paint he wants, and sprinkles drops of paint all over the black part of the painting. He makes sure to concentrate a little more in one specific spot, and Kylo looks down at his own chest and stomach.

“You are painting space” he says, and looks up again. He seems pleased. Hux nods.

“I know you are a fan of Star Wars” he says, smirking, and Kylo shrugs.

“I am more a space fanatic than a Star Wars one. But I like the series” he admits, and Hux chuckles.

“Good against evil. The force. Dark versus light. It’s too much white in black for me” he says, and Kylo hums, nodding.

“you are more like a grey type of guy” he assures, and Hux nods.

“You can say so” he agrees. “No one is just good or just bad.”

“Not even who made you those scars?”

Hux stays quiet. His hands stop working.

Then, he returns to the painting process. But he doesn’t answer the question.

Kylo understands his pause.

He changes brushes again after he is done, and reaches for the yellow and the orange, to start to shading of the brown ball in the corner of the whole picture. He makes sure to shade it as nicely as possible, mixing colors and watching as the painting came to life. Just a few details here and there, and it would be done.

He lets the dots and the shading dry, reaching for Kylo’s left arm this time. He grabs blue, red, orange, pink, purple and yellow, and begins to paint. The sunset, in a beach. On his biceps. Kylo watches as he mixes colors, doing the water and sun first, then the sky, and then the reflection of the sky on the water.

Kylo’s hands move up from his thighs to his waist, and his eyes are pleading for something now. Hux is not sure what it is. He just returns to his previous position, and hums as he adds pink and purple nebulas in the back of the drawing.

And like that, he is done.

“I’m finished” he says, and looks up at Kylo. He looks back at Hux.

“Did you tell me everything?” he asks, and Hux shakes his head.

“No. But I did my best”

Hux doesn’t know if Kylo is disappointed or angry or what.

But he seems to make a decision.

“take off the necklace and the clock”

Hux’s heart races.

“That wasn’t-” he starts, but Kylo shushes him.

“Take them off” he says, firmly. “If you want to be with me, to tell me things, to trust me and to talk, you have to take them off”

Hux feels his heart breaking apart.

He doesn’t _trust_ him.

Kylo doesn’t _trust him_.

“I-I can’t” he says, and moves away. His eyes are burning but he won’t cry, not in front of Ren. Not in front of anyone. “You don’t understand”

“I understand alright” he says, firmly, and sits up. Hux moves, to get off of his lap and leave, but Kylo holds his waist, and doesn’t let him go. “I understand it, Hux! That’s why I want you to take them off! They are holding you back!”

“They are all I have! Of a history, a reason to be, a good memory and a bad one!” he says, back, angrily, turning to face Kylo, waiting for him to be mad too.

But his eyes are warm, and gentle, and his hands and pulling Hux closer not in a demanding way, but as in a suggestion.

“No” he whispers, and one hand moves up to caress Hux’s face. “You have me now. Trust me. Please”

_Trust me._

_Trust me._

_Trust him._

_Trust him._

_He will crush us._

_But he will bring back our freedom._

**_Your freedom_**.

He nods.

He is shaking.

He reaches for the necklace and tugs onto it gently. It breaks on the cord, and he hands it to Kylo. His hand is trembling.

Kylo takes the necklace.

He then reaches for his wrist. He looks down at it one last time. 00:23 am. Doesn’t it even matter anymore? He takes it out, and ahds it to Kylo.

Kylo takes the clock.

Hux stares. He is going to break them. Destroy them. The only things Hux has of value. That hold some emotional value to him. It will hurt to see them go, and then Kylo with them.

He stares, and his eyes widen.

The clock goes to Kylo’s wrist, and the necklace to his neck, where he ties the cord together and lets it hanging there.

And then, he reaches for one of his rings, the most delicate one, an entirely silver ring with a black crystal in the middle, and takes it off.

He takes Hux’s hand, and slides it onto his finger.

And then, he intertwines their fingers together, staring at Hux’s eyes.

“Uncle gave me that ring. He told me it was my grandfather’s. It is the only memory I have of him, since he passed away one year after I was born” he says, slowly. “I want you to keep it. As a promise that whatever may come, I will be there. And even if we never sort this thing out, even if we remain colleagues only, I still want you to have it. It is the proof I will never, ever leave your side. Just like this clock and this necklace are the proof that you can move on, whatever you may go through”

He blinks, slowly, and looks down at his hand, the crystal reflecting the room’s light, black and beautiful. He then looks at Kylo, trembling, feeling another attack coming, despair settling in his throat, because this is too much and he knows he isn’t worth it, but all Kylo does is smile, and cup his cheek, and press their foreheads together gently.

“Don’t worry. It’s just twelve thirty. We have all night”

And despite the knot in his throat, Hux chuckles.

_Don’t worry._

_It’s only twelve thirty._

_We have the rest of our lives._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, I am sure I could end this fanfic right here, but I want to give you guys some closure of what happened after these beautiful moments, so yeah. One more chapter remains! 
> 
> And like I said before, I thin I will do some oneshots regarding this au so yeah, if you guys wanna see more, please tell me in the comments! Would you read a few oneshots of what happened between all this time with them? 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos are appreciated, and thanks for reading!!!!


	14. Like a painting

That night, they fall asleep together.

That night, they lay bare on their bed, covered in dry paint and love bites.

That night, they talk in whispers, they breathe in each other’s airs, they share each other’s warmth.

That night, they open the window, to be under the moon’s sweet sight.

That night, they hold each other close under blankets and promises of eternal love.

That night, they fall asleep.

Together, as one.

 

 

In the next day, Hux wakes up, tired. He feels like he hasn’t slept at all.

He doesn’t know what time it is, and his instincts kick in. He looks at his wrist, but it is empty, bare.

His heart quickens its pace, but then, he catches glimpse on the silver ring, and takes a deep breath.

He can do this.

He can do it.

It won’t rule him anymore.

He refuses.

Only then, he notices, there is a hand on his chest.

As if feeling his heartbeat. Pulling him closer.

Closer to a warm chest. Closer to a nuzzling nose on his hair. And closer to a second hand, that rises over his head.

“Four fifty three. In the afternoon” Kylo whispers against Hux’s ear, and he melts a bit, letting out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Thanks” he says, ashamed. His cheeks burn with embarrassment. He is so weak.

Kylo doesn’t acknowledge it. He kisses Hux’s neck, over an specific hickey, and hums, pulling him closer.

“you are welcome…” he slurs out, face dug into hux’s hair. “Can I sleep a little more?”

Hux blinks and bites his lip, considering his schedule, the work he has to do, the fact that he took vacations and then got sick and that Snoke is probably very, very angry at him, and he needs to go and fix everything before he is fired.

He has the urge to look at the clock again, his despair rising, heart quickening, and all Kylo does is smell his hair.

“Four fifty four, love”

It is like water over a burning candle.

Then, he notices the pet name.

“Love?” he asks, one hand sliding over Kylo’s arm to rest over the hand at his own chest. He hums.

“Sorry… I’m sleepy” he mumbles, turning his hand and intertwining their fingers together. Hux’s heart skips a beat. “Hux…”

“isn’t Hux too formal for this occasion?” he asks, half teasing and half nervous. Kylo groans and gently tugs onto his hand. Hux follows the lead, turning around to face him.

“What about mister?” he asks, raising an eyebrow, his entire face screaming ‘more sleep please’. Hux chuckles.

“that’s even more formal”

“What about ‘sir’?”

“kylo…”

“I know one that would go perfect on you” he smirks and presses their noses together. “General”

Hux rolls his eyes.

“ _Kylo_ ” he groans and Ren laughs, out loud, before a yawn cuts him short and he snorts.

“General, may I please have five more minutes to sleep?” he asks in a monotone voice, and Hux groans.

“Stop”

“You are not answering my question, _general_ ”

“Kylo, for fucks sake…”

“Answer me please”

“Ugh” Hux groans and grabs his pillow, smirking and hitting Kylo on the face with it, before snorting loudly and falling into a loud laugh. Kylo pulls the pillow away, surprised, before he smirked.

“Oh, that’s how it is, hun? Guess I’ll have to steal your post, general Hux” he says, grabbing both pillows and hitting Hux right on the face with both. He squeaks, grabbing them and pulling them apart, only to have Kylo grabbing his wrists and holding him against the bed.

And despite it all, Hux kept smiling.

“You are stupid” he says, like a child would, because he feels like a child. His heart is beating loud and clear and his stomach is making flops and he feels like grinning forever.

“I am. Your stupid” Kylo agrees, and leans down, brushing their noses together. Hux sees his clock on Kylo’s wrist in the very end of his side vision, he sees the necklace a bit under than what he is focusing on, but he doesn’t look away.

Kylo’s eyes are too warm and inviting to deny.

“My stupid” he whispers back, and leans forward, pressing their lips together ever so slightly.

Kylo smiles against his lips and kisses back, moving down, releasing his wrists to hold himself up, not to crush Hux. And Hux’s arms, now free, go straight to Kylo’s neck, one hand tangling on his hair, the other pulling him closer by his back.

And it felt better than any possible painting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing the epilogue guys, don't worry ;) I wouldn't leave you all hanging like this omg.
> 
> Also, my series of oneshots from this world will begin probably tomorrow? So yeah, get ready ;)
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated. Sorry for the short chapter, but it is the end.
> 
> The end of the beginning, of course. ;))))))


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